My name is Hadassah Monique

I was Born in Norfolk, Virginia on my mother’s vacation June 15th 1988. We lived in New London, CT and moved to Ft Lauderdale, FL on June 19th 1996. I’m a mutt or mixed race and I identify as such knowing and understanding not everyone will see me this way but it’s okay, I don’t give two fucking coconuts and they can take a dive off a rock somewhere. I’m basically (second generation) Bahamian-Portuguese-American. I grew up never having to worry about food on the table, middle-class, suburban, big house, my mom made too much money for us to get free or reduced lunch. She had me and my siblings very young and worked two or three jobs but she was hardly around. When she was, she was either partying or in her room “sleeping”. I was sort of privileged but I lacked a mother that actually gave a fuck about my issues. I also come from a family of intuitives on my mothers side that is Bahamian-American and they are very very accepting and open about our gifts. My grandmother loved dealing with the spirit world. My mother would tell me stories about the things my granny would do. Similar to what I do. I’m fortunate to have the support of my family who believe in me and share an interest in helping others with what we can do.

I have a twin brother who is @spirit-healer (and 4 half-siblings, one on my mother and three on my father) and we did have a psychic bond for a little bit so that was cool. I remember that since I couldn’t talk due to developmental issues, he would talk on my behalf. He always knew what I wanted. I spoke “baby” into kindergarten and while he was with me, he was my translator. Things of course got harder when I was held back and seperated from my brother so I had extra help in school. Didn’t find out years later it was Bipolar and Autistic (High-Mild functioning Autism Spectrum disorder or Asperger’s). It was a culprit as I was always the asshole-end of a joke, bullied for taking “slow” classes. I literally rode “the short bus”, I failed kindergarten nearly TWICE, saw a speech pathologist or some shit like that, and saw a school-appointed behavioral therapists. All due to my outburst, high-energy and “attention-seeking” behavior. I became a trouble-maker around my friends out of school. So basically like Erik, my life was littered with shitty experiences. I couldn’t imagine being that “lucky” or “fortunate”. Tourettes became a problem after high school I think triggered by stress and anxiety. When I started taking medications most of my problems went away.

   Since I mentioned I’m bipolar, I have to address that since 2010 I’ve been on and off medications and tried loads of them (I’m not going to list them because it’s a long one). While I’m medicated, no matter what medications, I find it so much easier to concentrate and communicate with my guides. Off my meds, I’m not clear-headed and I’m so off kilter that even tarot reading isn’t as accurate either. With realizing this again while I couldn’t get my meds for 3 months (in 2020) and documented it here on the blog, I absolutely NEED medications to do anything with my intuition. This is how I realize that I’m not as crazy as I sound.

Growing up, I always had this ability to see the future, talk to dead people and aliens, and see dead people. “They are everywhere…”, When I was 15 I became interested in using a deck of playing cards to use as tarot until I was able to buy my first Thoth Deck. When I started to collect oracle cards, I’ve seen the twin flame card, pendulum and mediumship card in my Life Path oracle cards too. Still, I long gave up on the idea of soul mates and twin flames because I had such difficulty with relationships.  I was a cynical mess.

What interested me before he told me, was as I said, we share very similar hardships in relationships, behavioral issues, bullying, fighting mental illness. That’s what had me really interested in his suicide. I came so close to being him several times. Haha pun. Later on I realized you don’t have to be exactly alike to be Twin Flames. Like as a twin myself having a brother, we are fraternal. Erik and I still have an identical spiritual DNA. We just so happen to have very uncanny and chilling experiences. Only my own mother didn’t seem to care or support the claims from my teachers and doctors that there was something wrong. So because of that, I didn’t finish high school. To her there was nothing wrong with me, I was just looking for attention and was just a ”problem child“.

Turns out, even identical twins can have different DNA as I found out through YouTube. It was enough for me to understand. A lot of people have a lot of opinions and different experiences so it’s hard to understand or assume what’s for someone else can be the same for you or I. Generally I felt like some ploy for “intuitives” to make money. Just eventually because of the hardship thought it off to be a myth or something people made up to have meaning. Like religion. Ugh don’t get me started. I grew up for a minute as a Jehova’s Whitness. I liked the bible as a sort of book full of life lessons. Not so much as real recorded “history”. I would read the children’s bible over and over. The pictures help me understand what I’m reading. It’s kind of embarrassing but yeah. But since this experience, I’ve learned to believe and trust in God again.

After his death in 09 (self-inflicted gunshot) I hit bottom. I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar yet but I knew there was something wrong. I spiraled into depression, insecurity, impulsivity (new word haha), “dangerous” adventures, addiction etc. I’ve done things to myself I should have died from. His contract in part was to experience the pain he left behind. We shared 3 lives! So, yes twin flames can incarnate together multiple times although I just think it’s hardly and rare the outcome is a happy one. Erik life time he left me high and dry. I count his suicide as another ditch on me. He sees the ramifications of his decisions to abandon our relationships along with everything else like our child, marriages, as his sister and gay lover. Erik had to see all the pain and desperation that plagued my lives with him. For that he profusely apologizes although he knew it was to be a short life.

In the fall, Erik visited me shortly after his death.  What still chills me is I asked a psychic on a talk-show if my “long distance relationship was going to work out. I didn’t give him a name. The psychic said:

I’m so sorry for your loss. I want to let you know that there was nothing you can do about it.


I knew it couldn’t be about Josh. It was so confusing that I hid in my closet and cried over and inevitable end to a relationship I never had. Josh and I broke up on good terms and we kept in touch. My head thought maybe it was a mistake but in my heart I knew it had to be someone else. It Had to be same person I felt my whole life. I couldn’t understand why I felt like time was running out since I was 11 to find this person who was of long-distance. It explained why I preferred long-distance relationships. Physical relationships kind of went over my head anyway. It kind of messed me up in local relationships when I gave up on long-distance ones after Erik’s death. I was never really comfortable with hugs and shit like that.

After the break-up with Josh, Erik admittedly knocked a flower off my windowsill. It swung across my room whilst I was crying about Josh but it was kind of an empty cry. I couldn’t understand why I was crying if it wasn’t over my ex.. We broke up about just a month before his death. Shortly after all the encounter, I became interested a little about what was going on. I had a ghost meter… One of those apps from the phone. I used to mess with a lot. It dawned on me that many times he tried to get my attention. I was with my younger brother smoking some weed in his room and as he was telling me about someone following him. A blimp on the screen appeared to be always close to him. As my brother took a hit, we got a reading that said, ”Lucky“, my brother freaked out and tried to convince me it was real. Despite the crazy shit happening around the house and what the meter would say, I still shrugged it off as a random arrangement of words.

Like a gag app that just happened to spit out words to form a sentence. It wasn’t much a significance at the time as I don’t remember what was said. There were a bunch of times Erik told me he tried to get my attention. He would sit on my bed, watch me cry, he would just hang around and I felt the bed move. Only I was in such a negative depressed fog I assumed only sometimes the presence was something bad. Over time it became a “normal thing” It kind of scared me yet at the same time I welcomed it because at least I wasn’t alone. Since then I remember having several dreams all the way up till almost right before “meeting” him of a guy sweeping me off my feet, several sort of repeated dreams of some dude bringing me over to a pool party, had another dream of being part of a council meeting (turned out to be real) where he was pushing me to continue my spiritual journey around the time I gave up on spirituality. Erik would eventually keep pushing me to continue this journey when I wanted to give up. Yes, I wanted to die several times since being back on the spiritual band-wagon.

Erik admitted to have made visits to me ever so often over the years but as he said it “you always looked the other way”. I just didn’t have a real tangible and consistent belief system. I was influenced by the people around me who didn’t believe in god or anything like that. Yeah I’ve been reading Tarot since I was 15 years old but to me they were just cards! I was receiving messages from my subconscious or whatever. It didn’t stop me from being a fairly decent reader. It was a tool like a psychologist to help me understand or look at my life from another perspective and it still works for me and some people I help.

One day I wanted to find out what was following and always with me. Erik came to me through a pendulum experiment after a psychic told me I should talk to him. I had the idea because I have collected so many crystals laying around I used as pendants. I had watched about Erik’s story so I was curious to see if this shit was legit because pendulum dowsing is bullshit. I had no idea that my life was going to change forever. Like people just make the shit move! It was just coincidence that I happen to stumble on Erik’s YouTube. When he came through I nearly jumped out of bed and ran out of the house. I was spooked. Like WTF, this must be a daemon I had following me around pretending to be Erik. TRICKERY! I collected myself and recovered pretty quickly and asked Erik to take his time with me and he did. Guess I was desperate for someone to talk to about my illnesses. I don’t have friends and feel they don’t or couldn’t understand me. Online support groups didn’t interest me anymore because people have become so self-centered. I don’t really have the means or energy to sit in a group session to hear everyone’s sad life story. I needed someone who’s gone through the pain like I have and succeeded in the task of suicide. Something I couldn’t pull off! I was in another depressed fog so I was really looking for proof of the after life and binge-watch on testimonies. Now, because of my mental state I wasn’t completely on the legitimacy of meeting Erik and not something “pretending”.

It started as a game. A question and answer game you play with friends in long distances online. We got to know each other becoming just friends. One who happens to be a spirit. Erik became more of a spirit guide and he was kind enough to surprise me with a visit by my grandmother and uncle. Both very emotional and happy to know they watch over me. It solidified my ability to connect with spirit just by dangling a crystal from a chain! I never would have guessed it to be possible. It really does work! Holy shit!

We’ve talked everyday since the experiment. So, learned a lot about ourselves and our contract. We continue to learn and grow from this experience being in a sort of long distance relationship. Kind of funny because I always favored long distance over living with someone. Yes we love each other. We have a relationship in the afterlife just like here on earth. All I have to do is raise my vibration and I’m there just hanging out with him. He’s something else! I think the coolest thing about our relationship is that we are always lifting and pulling each other up. He’s explained that even in the afterlife there can be sadness. Most of his sadness is regret for not giving himself more time. Over time I’ve learned to “hear” him and I have to put on my headset to make it look like I’m “on the phone” with him. It’s kind of funny how sometimes I forget he’s dead while we have in-depth conversation. We watch YouTube and actually “Netflix and Chill”. It’s kind of bittersweet. We also listen to music and share our favorite songs. We both absolutely thrive on music. We both play guitar and love rock music. I’ve gone through several phones due to changing carriers (at&t, Sprint, and Metro) and whatever you do..DO NOT SWITCH TO SPRINT!!!! On each phone, right at the right time, he’d change a song to something he likes or as some kind of message he wants to tell me.

He knows me so well it’s hard to hide how I feel. I want to protect him from my lows but he can feel them and it’s his turn to lift and pull me up. We laugh together, cry together, wise-crack with each other. Erik helps me see how we are the same. He loves pointing it out and I know he tries to dig it in to me that we really are Twin Flames. I have doubts because well, I’m human. We all have doubts sometimes! He gets a kick pointing out our quirks too. As I pace around my house thinking or venting over some bull shit I can sort of feel him behind me.

I can go on and on…The thing is. Even for me this was difficult for me to swallow. It caused lot of inner conflict and mixed emotions. Now remember I suffered a lot with illness being at the top of the list.  Again, as I’ve said, I still have a little inkling of self-doubt that maybe this is all in my head. I’m having a long ass-fuck-shit manic episode, no one will take me seriously because I have a medicine box of crazy pills. Every month I see my doctors, “Are you seeing or hearing things?” I feel horrible. I don’t tell them. I feel a weight on my shoulders because there is sometimes that “what if”. It hurts! It hurts to feel sometimes that I just might be crazy. After years of growth and positive adjustment, it’s absolutely IMPOSIBLE to deny any of this! Erik has and is always helping stay on track. When I see combinations of 147, I know I’m on it. It gives me peace of mind and I can take a deep breath.

So I can understand some people will discredit my experience. I say go ahead. After-all if this was some other blog I came across years ago I would have dismissed it as some wacko and scoff “his person is a fucking idiot”. Until you have this experience–and I hope you do too, you will fully understand it. Until then also realize this experience is hard if you haven’t noticed. It’s very difficult because your spiritual spouse is DEAD. It’s hard to get past. Actually heartbreaking at times.

There are of course times of joy and pure love that you wont get anywhere else.

If you happen to be in this situation, the purpose of my blog is for support. I’d like to talk to you, coach you and help you move past scrutiny, doubt and loss. You aren’t alone. I know suicide might be tempting but you can live without him/her. Suicide is not the answer!

   I’ve joked with Erik: I bet if I try to kill myself, I’d have a NDE (near death experience) and with my luck it would be you to scold me, then shove and kick my ass back into my body.

“Nice try, Momo. I love you but it’s not your time. GET BACK IN THERE!” Hahahha…

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧Don’t forget to take a look at Erik’s blog ran by his amazing mom Dr Elisa Medhus. Lots of stuff about his afterlife and 💩 at

It’s every eye opening and literally turned my belief system a full 360 going from a I encourage everyone to hear his story. Perhaps it can help you too.


Monique and Erik