Moody Blues

Following my last entry about not having a piece of Erik and guilt about my TF journey, I had a small mental breakdown. I’m off a bulk of my meds since this pregnancy and I’m nearly at my wits-end. Triggers surrounding my grief over Erik are plenty. Especially in a few tv shows Ive been watching lately and of course my stubborness and refusal to stop watching until the end is no help. Fortunately I was able to finish the last season of one show and will have to wait MONTHS for a new one. I’m working on finishing the last seasons of another trigger happy show.

Rick and I got into a nasty fight. I can’t take it anymore but he’s convinced me to keep trying to do better. He apologized also for a lot of harsh things he said and I’m going to continue to talk to my therapist. I feel like a horrible person for letting my grief and frustration go out of control. So on my next talk with my therapist I will mention how Erik’s death effects my relationships. This week I allowed Rick to tell my therapist what frustrated him about me so that I can work on that too. But being pregnant and grieving without all of my medications make me feel out of control and hopeless.

I was thinking maybe I should be alone.

Maybe the inability to love anyone since Erik’s death broke me. I want to and tried but I can’t. Does it mean I should be alone? Now that I am pregnant it doesn’t feel like an option but I am always thinking about it. Am I just better off not ever in a relationship with anyone ever again if I cant love anyone as much as I love Erik? Should I sequester myself? Do I deserve to be alone as a consequence of his passing so long ago?

Erik doesn’t want me to be alone. I deserve to have what I can’t with Erik but do I really? Is it only right that I suffer alone so that I don’t make others suffer with me? It’s hard to answer. I never understood how I could move on in life with so much grief. I do the best I can. I love and support the best I can and I’m not perfect by any means. I hurt every single day and keep it mostly to myself.

😘💕 I love you guys…

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