A Piece Of Him
As Erik’s twin soul, I can’t help feeling while being pregnant with my fiance’s baby that I wish in some way it could have a piece of Erik as well. I know how it sounds. It’s kind of stupid I know. But I never had a chance with Erik before he died. All I had up until his death was anxiety about finding him and to “protect” him in some way. Then when he died I dealt with the grief and denial he was gone.
I started to have little communication with Erik before I decided that I needed to forget him but also made myself believe he really wasn’t dead. It helped me live for a short time. During all of that he frequented my dreams too so it was a bit confusing. Confusing enough to let go of any idea a relationship was possible.
There is guilt too…
I’ll never be able to love anyone as much as I love Erik. I tried and it didn’t work. Coincidentally Rick is a lot like Erik and there have been times I thought about leaving him because of it. I’ve given Rick plenty of chances to leave me. He won’t do it. Rick is a great guy, he’s super supportive, he knows about Erik and he wants to fill his shoes. I also know he’d be a great father. There’s no one on this earth I can trust more with my life and the life of our baby. Erik of course loves him too. Said that he’s the best man he’s ever seen me with and he’s right. To think I met Rick just a few months after Erik’s death!
There is guilt also about my happiness knowing lots of people would love to have what I have. Some who are heartbroken for their own reasons while I have a relationship with my twin soul AND a fiance. In truth, I’m not always so happy. I’m always grieving over what I didn’t get to have. Which was Erik .
His death literally haunts me.
I’m always reminded of what I had missed. No matter how many sorries I get from Erik it doesn’t change the fact what he had done. I have nothing of his. Past life memories are just that. In this life there are none. I have to rely on memories that might not be. There are days I don’t think I believe in any of this because of how painful it is. It’s easier to believe he may be just a figment of my imagination even though painful.
So I guess I can just “pretend” the soul of my child is part of his soul because Erik is my twin soul. 😔