I feel pathetic…😓

So I’m on the spectrum and part of that is add, thought processing disorder and performance anxiety while at work. I’m usually able to speak out when something isn’t right or when people do something fucked up. But sometimes I don’t because people get this idea I must be high and mighty or mean when I assert myself.

When I explain I’m on the spectrum people don’t believe me and I shouldn’t have to show my drs notes to prove it. When I do I still feel ignored. I love my job. The problem is that I feel alienated so bad that I don’t bother conversing much especially if I’m trying to finish typing up paperwork for them.

I was told by a friend they were all fake which is probably true.

I don’t really care. It only bothers me when I’m trying to do my job right and they don’t help me do that. Like today I spoke up to my boss by saying that no one bothered to correct me today but her when I was doing work the last half of the day. She honestly didn’t help me either. But I wanted to put it out there that regardless it wasn’t cool.

I know I’m new too. But I felt even more alienated realizing they put 0 effort for my bday when they went all out for two other who recently had thiers. Which is fine. I wasn’t expecting anything but I still felt alienated and when they said happy birthday it was forced. Like obviously forced. 🙄 It was so fucking obvious.

All day I’ve been just annoyed with everything and everyone.

So going to work greeted with this nonsense just pissed me off so much I wanted to cry. But I’m not trying to be friends with these people. I have barely anything in common with anyone. Half are literally 10 years younger and the other half are literally 10 years older. I wear make up and wear weird shirts and no bra (I hate them) so I stick out. My fiancee and Erik say it’s because I’m beautiful but it just annoys me more. If that’s even the case, it’s fucked up because I’m used to being treated this way because I’m ugly.

I’m not going to give them the satisfaction of quitting. When I do my job, I know I’m good and fast at it and I go in early focusing on my work while they bullshit and annoy me which really distracts me from work. Even with headphones on, in between songs it’s distracting. Especially when I know something they is incorrect and I have to force myself to not say anything.

Basically I’m a lite and female version of Dwight Schrute.

…That’s the best way I can describe myself. I know a lot. Some details are muddy because of my social anxiety and that’s the thing; My anxiety is so fucking bad. No one can see it but trust me it’s fucking there. People can be so fucking ignorant and not understanding and when they are told they are wrong they hate you.

Well so I only work 16 hours a week. It’s not a big deal. I doubt they will find someone who would love this “boring”, “mundane”, “repetitive” job. I’m just so fed up with feeling like no one understands me or gives a flying fuck to even try.

I have friends. I don’t need them (ppl at work) but holy shit they should not be so ignorant and let me do my job. Thankfully I have a handful of friends who are also on the spectrum and some who aren’t but aren’t ignorant dicks.

😘💕 Good night love y’all!

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