The Past
The past lives are what I have with my twin soul. He died before I could find him. I wrote a letter to Erik’s Guardian Angels (see Table of Contents) asking them to help him find me. I needed a break from long distance relationships. Two years later I was sort of trying again right before he died.
Sometimes when I’m bored my mind goes back and I wonder if Erik was ever being lead to me. Instead it took him to die to find me. Maybe it was supposed to be this way. I was scrolling through my pictures. There were some from before he died. Funny I look the very same! I heard him say that I was beautiful then as I am beautiful now. Gee thanks I guess?
I try to remember us but I get scared.
When I sleep I can travel and was able to remember in a lot of detail about some of my past lives. Of course I remember the difficult parts of them. What if I remember fucked up shit? How do I target a specific time and the parts? I’m not quite there yet. Sometimes I get real stoned and think I remember but I don’t usually trust shit I see or hear when I’m higher than a satilite. Lol 😆 I get crazy de ja vu. So it’s just easier to ignore so I don’t over-analyze everything.
He tried the “how about we make our own memories” thing.
Nope.
Nope, nope, nope. A thousand kilos of nope, no thank you. (He’s laughing at me rn 🙄😆) This fucker was about to do some funny business so I put a stop 😆👉🤚🛑 to that. On a more serious note, we got to talking about my past mostly. Back then I was considering using my cards to help people but didn’t know how. I had a friend, Julie who was having some issues so we hung out a lot, read for her and invited her over. It ended with her though.
Back then I was still involved with Brendan (also on the spectrum) who lived in California. We were in between. I would spend all night with him on the phone. We would talk about everything until he was okay. Some nights were tough. I remember after he told me some very fucked up stuff that happened to him I couldn’t stop crying for him. He didn’t understand why because after all it was him that was so ferociously abused.
I did what I could for him being I was in Florida at the time. Because of that I worried all the time that he’d kill himself. He would be so cryptic it drove me nuts. Then when he’d disappear off the internet and wouldn’t answer his phone. Then pop up like nothing happened basically. It fucking pissed me off you have no idea. But the moment I saw him online and that he messaged me, I’d just forget about it. We aren’t friends anymore but I check his art page here and there to see how he’s doing.
I always wanted to help. I did it with Matt (rip) and maybe I was a little forceful but he was in baaaaaaaaad shape. I kind of got him off his abusive gf (now I realize why she was always bitchy at him). I got him a job, and he had me to hang out with. Anyway around the time Matt died I was still pissed at him for dragging me around, basically used me and my stupid interest in helping. He reached out to me before he died and I ignored him because I was still so mad at the things he had done to me. Like use me to go back to Texas and basically left me alone there. I’m over it now. He’s dead and honestly while I still love him that’s one asshole removed off this plane. Great now my ear is buzzing 😑. I know he’s sorry and he did apologize before he died but I also told him he was an asshole.
It wouldn’t have been any different…
That psychic was right and deep down I knew he was because at the same time I felt time was closing in. I grew up with an anxiety to find someone who didn’t live in Florida. Felt tasked to find and “save” him. Thought it was Brendan and others but that anxiety to keep looking persisted. I think back then I was becoming really frustrated. I mean I did write that letter…
He’d still kill himself and if I had known him I would have been fucked. What if we were together together? I’d have killed myself too without a fucking doubt. So I realized it’s better this way. Not ideal. Not anything I hoped when I wrote that letter. Didn’t think he’d find me as a dead guy because back then my beliefs were flimsy and limited. But I had so much love in my heart for someone who was a pessimistic cynic. For context, me, the pessimistic cynic, me lol.
