Learning to see Erik without getting emotional is still hard…
…But I keep seeing his lookalikes. Or near misses but close enough. 😮💨 I’m always trying to work on it even after all these years. I thought about it again to give all this up and drop Erik a second time. He still found his way back to me. He must have allowed me to and then took action to get my attention back when the dreams began to be frequent.
I’ll never forget in 2016 feeling like I was missing someone so much I drank myself and took pills to deal with it. I became suicidal because of it. Since then I’ve been medicated. That pain felt familiar. Like what happened in 2009-10. I just tucked away what the psychic said of Erik when I asked. Denied he was dead so hard even when it started me in the face.
That pain is the reason it’s so hard to see him.
I don’t remember much of our past lives but I know he’s hurt me in all of them. He left in at least 2 out of 3. Left me at a convent and left me alone to raise two of our children to marry someone noble enough. I was an illegitimate heiress. There’s actual historical documents which took me a year to look basically out of fear of what I’d find. I’m not sure it was a good idea but he wasn’t lying to me. There were a handful of things he told me that I confirmed.
When I see him I see someone I know I loved and still love. Someone I would have tried my best to ‘save’. Then I’m feeling all this pain over his death. What the psychic said and all the crying I did when I hung up the phone afterwards. So yeah it’s kind of all sorts of fucked up and I’m continuingly trying to soften the blow but 🤷♀️…
I know Erik will always find his way back. May as well make the best this, whatever it is. Obviously he doesn’t want me to force myself to be okay with seeing him. He’s always concerned which is nice but I’m stubborn until I burn myself out or get depressed over the pain of it.