Grief grief and…more grief

Odin my cat is gone now. Matt’s death happened April 17 or was it the 23 idk. Odin’s birthday was April 15.

There are no real words to describe how I’m feeling or how I’m doing. All I know is I’m tired of grieving. Saw a friend’s wedding pictures and all it did was remind me that Erik is gone and although Rick is amazing, he’s not my twin soul.

I’m so tired of crying over all of this bullshit. All of it. It all just hurts so fucking bad. I really don’t know how I’ll bounce back from this.

We can’t get a dog until we go on vacation since all our money is tied to that. All I know is I don’t want another cat.

The cremation is tomorrow and I’m doing a virtual ceremony on Odin’s bday as doing it now feels too soon. I wouldn’t be able to keep myself together.

Until cremation his body is in a storage bin 🤧 covered with a bandana. We couldn’t shut his eyes which means he kept his eyes open because he was scared. He never bothered to go under the bed but he did and died right under me.

I keep expecting Odin to hop in bed and beg for food or sit at my feel napping. I just want this grief to stop and it feels like there just more and more. Seriously can’t take this bullshit anymore.

Odin was my favorite cat in the world. I made sure to let him know and to comfort him the best I could until we could get to the vet. Now we realize even if we did they would have likely put him down and the vet cost would be too much. He was dead the moment we noticed something was wrong.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but I actually just want to end it. This is all too much to grasp in any level.