Anxiety Overload

It’s setting in that I’m about to be married. It’s going to be a few year as we navigate the legal shit. We are definitely going to that metal concert cruise thing leaving out of Miami. They haven’t had events since COVID and we’re okay to wait for it. We would have a wedding party in Ft Lauderdale (home) with friends and family while we are there so obviously party and then cruise.

I’m thinking since we don’t want a wedding I actually might have us both dressed up for pictures and maaaaaybe wear a dress at the wedding party thing. At first I was like hell fuck no I’m not gonna go through the trouble finding a dress! Buuut I’m sort of warming up to the idea.

I had a small emotional meltdown 😂🤏

By small is I got supper drunk, got supper high and cried for like an hour. I don’t remember what I said but it mostly had to do with Rick’s health. Ever since coming out engaged I’ve been very nervous about his health and safety. I don’t know what I’d do if he died too. Jesus it’s a fucking nightmare and it hasnt even happened!

I wanted to have my life back since I became homeless. I got it all back but it’s hard to not worry about something happening. There’s no more love in me. Its hard to explain. I’m not in love with Rick but I love him enough to be with him til the end and have kids and all that. For his reasons Rick feels the same way. We are just romantically tired. He’s been dragged through the mud and so have I. So if Rick goes, there wouldn’t be any room to love anyone else anymore.

Rick said he’s going to find a Dr and schedule an appointment.

He has issues with his intestines and it been going on his whole life without getting it looked at. It’s likely IBS and judging from his diet (he’s a skinny scrawny dude) being mostly junk food or food very high in the bad stuff, he’s on the road to cancers, despite his small size even diabetes, and heart disease. I’m no better lol but I always see my Drs. I have 3 appointments coming to check on some stuff going on with me. Probably nothing crazy….. Probably 😶. Dr found some issues that need to be addressed. Still, I take all my meds and see a Dr whenever something is wrong which is nearly every couple of months. No I’m not a hypochondriac. I literally have shitty luck. One month was a nasty yest infection (the absolute worst shit ever 😱) from the antibiotics for a bloody UTI, then it was bronchitis, and COVID, and now for my PCOS issues. Oh and my blood work came back “abnormal” so I have to get that checked out too. 😩 Lord give me a break lol.

So Erik wanted to talk about how I’ve been feeling since that meltdown. Eh, I’m worried but if Rick is really going to see a Dr some time soon I’m going to be fine. It doesn’t help my period is coming this week so everything has had me on a rollercoaster. Erik made a good point that as long as I keep Rick on his toes even if it bothers me (I don’t like to nag at people). 🙄 I’m gonna have to just keep poking at him to see a Dr. even if it means just scheduling all his appointments for him.

The more I think about this makes me want to just legally get married.

If you want, look up Marriage Penalty. So because of that we both can’t marry. He is on SSI. If we marry he will either lose his disability benefits or it will be significantly cut. Since I’m on SSDI it won’t affect me at all. It’s a fucked up law. If something really bad happens I won’t be able to do anything because we aren’t married. See where I’m getting at?

In the event either of us dies he will get my pension and vise versa. That’s another reason because neither of us can afford living here (or anywhere) alone which is also fucked up. They make it so that people with disabilities can’t live comfortably and we are treated as second class citizens basically. Fucking bullshit. Well at least gay people can get married now. Does nothing for me or Rick. We are just disabled.

😘💕 Good night!

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