I’m tired of crying…
Erik said he knows it’s hard to be on this journey. But he’s not human anymore. It isn’t fair. I see happy young families and all I have is crippling depression and anxiety, annoying Tourrets, and the inability to talk simply with thought processing disorder. ..and a dead twin soul. How am I supposed to smile and nod through all that.
All I can’t think of is how I’ve been cheated in this game called life I remember before I was born I didn’t want this part to play on earth. Erik was there as well as my physical twin brother. It was like being drafted into war. The planet is dirty, sick, and it needs a factory reset. People prove every day that we have no right to be here. I knew this when I was 7 years old.
He lifted my chin and smiled
That stupid fucking smile I hate and love. Instead of laughing I began to cry thinking about everything I will miss all because of his absence. I don’t like getting into too many details so I won’t. Usually cuddling would put me to sleep. Instead we ended up talking about one of our past lives. He was August and I was Augusta. Kind of funny we are twin souls and we had similar names! After finding this out it took me a year to be comfortable with googling our full names.
I asked about how we were and asked if what was written in Augusta journal real. It’s strange. I keep journals just like her. Lost the ones I kept since high school but I have two full books now and it’s time to buy a new one. I would write poetry and parts of lyrics to my favorite songs. Back in Augusta’s time I don’t think they had music like today. The way we wrote about our lost loves was similar. There are a few other things. I hoped he loved her. He did. He waited until after my death to remarry. I think that was very thoughtful. Our children fought their royal legitimacy and failed. Because I was not exactly royal, mine and Erik’s relationship wasnt acknowledged.
In all our lives we couldn’t be. It makes me sad to think about it. Now it’s kind of the same bullshit. He’s dead and in alive and society says this sort of thing doesn’t happen and I’m insane. Why am I not fucking surprised.
