Promises
In our talk tonight we talked about our next life (hopefully together). I don’t like talking too much about it because it doesn’t matter when right now we are…apart. It kind of makes me a little emo. But tonight I thought about what I did in this life; I grew up feeling rushed to find some guy I had to help or protect. Some guy that didn’t live in the same state as me.
It was a thorn on my side. As soon as I was old enough to use the internet, I learned to code and run websites. First I joined a lot of groups and forums. Then ran several if my own. By the time I was 15 I was operating several websites for rpg, anime and video games all with the hope Is find them. So most of my relationships were long distance.
I wasted so much of my time.
Instead of school, my thoughts were on my friends online and what I could do to expand my networks. Then I got curious about sex and wanting to know what was so great about it. Took 2 years to do that, got bored with my first real bf and went back online thinking I had enough local relationships until the David from Texas happened and Brendan from Cali didn’t make things better or worse. Louis from north Florida was a desperate reach turned out to be a complete waste. Then Josh from central Florida in 2009 was another last desperate effort. Along with a few others scattered in the country. Yeah I know … 🙄
In my next life I want to hold off. Obviously I won’t remember this life but can hope to God that I just focus on a career or education above everything else. I wrote a letter to Erik’s guardian angels in 2007 on his bday if all days. Asked that they help him find me. He’s found me as a dead guy, surely he can find me alive in our next life too. I don’t want to waste another life. Sure I somehow got myself through college with an associate’s degree in culinary but I fucking hate cooking and I’m on disability because my depression gets in the way.
He promised to be with me.
Well duh…but my skeptical mind isnt entirely convinced. I’m a seeing is believing person. It took me years to see that this journey was something I had to do. It took testing my pendulum several times to believe that I could communicate with some invisible force using it. It freaked me the fuck out. I won’t lie. I got spooked. Thinking back now it’s silly but that’s how I am. If I can whiteness it and test it on my own, then I believe it.
I can’t see the future like that. Well I kind of can but I really don’t want to. Seeing the future is freaky. I used to see things that would happen and when it does I’m in shock. It happened so much as a kid. At first I thought it was cool. Then realized normal people can’t do that. It then became something I hated because I always wanted to be normal. It started to become an inconvenience I couldn’t explain. Where do these visions come from and why? So instead if being something cool, it freaked me out because it couldn’t be explained. I rather a dream happen than a waking vision.
He’s begging me to stop writing before my meds kick in!
