Bummer… 😞

How do you miss someone you never met? How do I explain to my therapist that I feel like a widow? How the fucking hell do I not get triggered over the smallest things?

Last night I got into a funk after seeing a trailer I posted about a movie. I didn’t have the sound on but watched it and just seeing it, I recognized it as my journey …THIS. If for some reason someone decided to steal my experience for a novel or a movie idea, it would mortify me. The thought of it literally made me sick. My stomach is in knots.

Sometimes I want to stop writing here…

The moment I think that I’ve shared enough, something makes me write again. If I don’t right away, it’s like this nagging. Like the same kind of nagging I felt my whole life and since I wrote that letter to Erik’s guardian angels in 2007… coincidentally on his birthday. Feeling this is another something I have to do.

Honestly I don’t know how many times I have to keep writing about the same thing over and over again. About how much this journey hurts. It’s not exactly some kind of sugar coated love story. This is mostly painful and I wouldn’t wish this kind of journey on anyone.

There are times all I can do is lay in bed and cry.

I can’t talk about it. Not even to my bf who is very very accepting and begs me to open up. I get so fucking tired of going day after day. Just living until I die and who knows what comes after that. Maybe I am crazy no matter how many times this dead guy in my ear tells me I’m not and begs me to not give this all up. All night I’ve had to keep myself together watching movies with my bf next to me pretending there something in my eye. It happens once in a while.

Now I’m in the bathroom with a hurting stomach not just from thinking about above but I’m lactose intolerant. Had a bowl of fruit with two kinds of Greek yogurt and two bean and cheese burritos. Don’t judge me! My bf will be awake all night and maybe into the morning because he got out of bed about 5 hours ago. I know the moment my head hits that pillow I won’t be able to stop crying until my meds kick in.

I wake up most days counting the hours to go to bed.

For a long time I looked forward to sleep. Erik started showing up in 2011-ish. I knew him by his hair and he’d show usually at bodies of water and it would take 4 years to finally see his face that I’d come to know and love. Technically I was already in love with in in 2012 but that year I had to let him go.

I thought there was no point to any of it. I stopped being spiritual and tried to convince myself the psychic who predicted Erik’s suicide was a fraud. Deep down I knew the truth but what was I supposed to do? A psychic randomly reached out to me in 2017 asking me to talk to him. That’s when I knew I was fucked and my life was going to change. Sure for the better but I can’t go back no matter if I wanted to.

To be honest, I do sometimes hope I die in my sleep or that I could do what Erik did. God literally knows I tried…three fucking times. Only once since this journey started. Erik made me get up and go to the hospital. I was starting to feel very sick anyway. You can’t overdose and die on some meds it turns out and if you try, it’s not fun being so sick like that. I only beat myself up for weeks for being so stupid.

Erik always says, “Were together now!”

…Yeah but not really. It’s easy for him to say because he’s dead and soaked in spirit juice so bad its like he’s forgotten what it’s like to be human. No he remembers and that’s why he’s always saying that. I don’t want to talk to him tonight. If course he’s okay with that. Sometimes there would be days that I don’t. It’s not like we are constantly talking and whatever. I have a life. We usually save conversations for before bed. I like the idea if having a normal life. Something I always wanted because I was constantly bullied for not being normal. I realize that now that normal was something I was never supposed to be.

So idk if I’ll be writing for a while. I don’t know how long this funk is going to last.

😘💕 Good night y’all!

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