Watch “"All I Wanted” by Paramore-lyrics-“ on YouTube

This song came out in 2008 or 2009. Not really sure but I was obsessed with this album.

I had my moms old TV in my room and I would literally wake up to TV Land black and whites. But regardless, I sang this song on repeat back then when I knew Erik killed himself. At the time I decided that I was going to just coast my life.

I want to add that I didn’t know Erik specifically but I’ve had some experiences in dream travel and whatnot that lead me to ask a psychic about meeting him in RL. He just said he was sorry for my loss and that there was nothing I could have done about it. SO around NovemberDecember to summer all I did during the day was sing this and other songs. Back then my vocals were a bit higher pitched because I was still a "kid”. But yeah I knew it and had this sense of that whatever “it” was, was over so that’s also around when drinking and drugs were a way of escape from that and escaping my intuition which suddenly started to re-appear since it faded away in high school.

I didn’t believe in Twin Flames at the time so I pretty much gave up everything when I felt he’s was gone. For a lot of years I was troubled with finding some guy that didn’t live in Florida but was in this country. That nagging feeling was fueled my anxiety. So that’s how I came across the spiritual stuff for just a little bit before retreating back into myself again once that nagging feeling left.

It was like that if you had an annoying sound in your head for a long time…

…and got used to it. Then it just fizzles out leaving you like:

Yeah I just noticed that sound is gone.

That’s sort of way. That feeling or anxiety over finding him slowly faded. With that came a different anxiety about the grief I couldn’t explain. Since I couldn’t explain it, I chalked it up as an hallucination brought on by depression. It was admittedly the saddest year of my life 2010. I was grieving and didn’t understand completely. Even though the psychic said what he said, I tucked it away and literally forgot.

All I wanted was him.

Whoever he was…Didn’t exactly know what for but I sort of felt a sense of duty to protect. It made me seek long distance relationships and meaningless local ones I knew would go nowhere but still broke my heart anyway. I’d quickly move on to another. I wasn’t a sex addict but I objectified men and it took me some years to realize how awful that was. I needed physical contact but I needed to keep my feelers out for Erik.

Thinking back I was so hypocritical; a fucked up “nice girl” that went through men like they were tampons just to pass the time. I’m 34 this year and have yet to get an STD or pregnant and I’m so very proud of that! 🤣🙏

Anyway I have had a very complicated life back then.

Didn’t know what I wanted anymore because it was gone. I had to make myself get over it by pretending he was still here inspite of that feeling being that he was gone, but I wasn’t going to look for him anymore. He had to find me as I had asked in that birthday letter I wrote to his guardian angels coincidentally on his birthday in 2007.

That is until 2015 and 2016 Erik started making appearances in my dreams again. That feeling of finding came back but it felt different. This time that sound was in a different key.

I’ll stop rambling now. Just was thinking about this song. It still means a lot to me but I can’t sing it even if I still could. It evokes a lot of pain I went through in 2010 that it just remains there. To sing it now would bring those feelings back and I just can’t.

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