Don’t Box Me In
Everyone these days wants to be in a tribe and they make it thier identity. I understand the need to belong and fit in because I allowed that to take over my life. I grew up sheltered in the suburbs. Combine that with being on the spectrum there were a lot of social hang-ups and things I didn’t quite understand. I was also battling depression and anxiety at an early age (Tourrets didn’t start until I was 20 and before any meds) but my mom refused to let me be medicated which I know she meant well but I should have been. I should have had support. My twin brother was a goody 2 shoes and gifted academically where I wasn’t. My younger brother was a baby and he couldn’t do wrong.
I had middle child syndrome (born middle of the night, middle of the week, middle of the month, middle of the year). With my twin just being 1 minute older, it meant he was the responsible one. He took that role seriously so I got most of the blame for when things went south so I was grounded a lot. I spent a lot of time indoors while my friends were outside. So I cried a lot. It was frustrating for me.
I was bullied by everyone!
My family, siblings, teachers, strangers, etc. The bullying got so bad that I needed to see a school appointed therapist. Also I had issues with speaking (still do but it’s better) so they added a speech pathologist. Then I was having trouble with reading and math. So I was taking special classes that were slower and offered more attention. This went on until high school. In high school I saw just the therapists and had to retake some English and math classes.
People only saw my gullablility, awkwardness, my big glasses, and lack of understandings. Also my need to be useful by being very accommodating to others aka people pleasing. I just wanted to be normal so when I started to understand my psychic abilities by reading books about it I realized I didn’t want it anymore. So my ability to see very specific futures slowly went away. They were scary because I couldn’t understand why or how it was happening things like that I chalked up to hallucinations. Again, wanting to be normal and it’s stayed with me even now.
So long story short, I felt I didn’t belong.
People considered me to be “rich” just because I lived in the suburbs. Our schools were predominantly black and Hispanics who lived in not so nice places. I remember bringing my friends over and going to school being made fun of for not being able to do school outings because they were expensive. Yet I live in a big house in the suburbs behind pearly gates. We had a retired football or athletic guy live a couple houses down. To me it wasn’t a big deal. Anyway, someone who is mixed like me often gets asked the question, “what are you?”. I also often hear conflicting arguments about racial rules as well. I could get really dark just from playing in the sun, I can get real pale from staying inside. It was always hard to figure out with people.
I’ve seen racism on all sides. I’ve been confused with races (as if mixed isn’t a thing) that aren’t even on my 23andme dna chart. It’s kind of funny but also very very annoying. It’s happened before, Id go out to have fun, on the same fucking night I get asked if I’m black and asked if I was native American. Sometimes some dude would get real close to me too close for comfort, looks me up and down and says some very sexist and colorist shit. Usually black men. Sometimes old white guys want to be around me because I’m exotic. It happens to me all the time and it’s very very annoying.
I started saying I’m an Alien.
Never felt like I fit in for so many reasons all mentioned above. I’ve become comfortable with not needing to belong to any sort of groups. I’m not lonely because I’m not alone. No one can put me in a box or box me in. Those people who insist on putting me in a box…?
I ask them things like:
Why do you need to know?
Does it really matter?
Please do not out me in a box.
I’m an alien having a human experience.
Ask God.
People who put me in a box..
…Don’t understand that by doing so it makes them just racist, sexist, andor colorist as everyone else. My ethnicity, gender, and skin color don’t need to be measured as good or bad or anything. None of those things fucking matter to me. I’m not going to go by what is expected of me. I’m not going to feed into racial stereotypes. My mixed racial make up is just that; a hodgepodge of all kinds of shit. Yes there are two areas heavily concentrated in areas but I feel no real connection to any of them. The connection I feel is with others who feel like I do but I feel no need to join a group, club, clique, or anything.
I don’t give a flying jack fuck-all about social-racial constructs or rules. If they help you sleep at night, by all means, I hope you take your racist, prejudiced, colorist, sexist ass to sleep with the rest of them. Today I’m proud to be myself in a world that seems to need validation from others. I feel sorry for those people stuck in a bubble like that but idk maybe I’m salty that I don’t have that kind of community. It’s not all that bad. I don’t like big groups anyway because it’s breading grounds for drama. Being under the radar and a loner works for me!
When forms ask to select race, sometimes I choose other or select any random box or boxes except for white ROFL. People wouldn’t find that funny except for me. I love fucking with people like that and challenging them to think outside the box. It makes them uncomfortable. When I have conversations with people they get embarrassed (I can see the fear in their eyes) and walk away feeling like an asshole because they are asshole. They just didn’t know it yet.
I feel so much free-er not needing to belong anywhere. There’s no pressure to feel a certain way or be a certain way. I don’t care about what people think. I just let them be assholes and go about my day with a smile on my face. Don’t fucking box me the fuck in, you just can’t because I will only piss you off and have fun with it 🤷♀️.
