Off in my own world…!
Trauma does that. I’m not really off in my head daydreaming though. Im not in the astral house with Erik all day either so don’t get your panties in a twist. Being normal is something I fight hard for literally every day. I know there’s no such thing as normal but I have deep seeded traumas from being bullied, picked on or treated unfair just for how I am by strangers, people of authority, and even family. I don’t hate authority but it made me fearful instead. It’s something I’m striving to work on. So I reserve my time with Erik for days I don’t need to focus (when Rick is off at work), when I have nothing to do or right before bed.
How does trauma make me go blank, I’m not sure. Ever since I’ve moved out here it’s like I drift off or become autopilot just doing the things without much thought and doing them just to get the day over with. Actually I’m pretty sure I know why I have blanks or whiteouts I think. Not blackouts because I have memory and I’m aware of what’s going on as these blanks occur. It’s hard to explain it.
Living on autopilot!
It comes from being institutionalized as a homeless person and it spanned a whole year. From being in hospitals and shelters. There was a schedule for everything. You have no real free will. You live to the next schedule and the next day. You are given a new way of life and for me it was I just coasted through to the next activity to the next. Always at the mercy of the people in charge. That’s when it started.
Being homeless changed me and I was too scared to aknowledge it until now. Maybe therapy isn’t such a bad idea lol 😅. Being restrained to schedules and time on the Managements schedule made me a stickler for time and being on time as if we were late to finish something I freak the fuck out. My anxiety gets triggered as if a bell had gone off. It’s also sort made me a little bit of a clean freak. Just a little bit though lmao.
I blank out even with Erik.
Erik would say some outrageous things to me to get my attention which is annoying but I can’t be mad at it. I piss off my bf because I blank out. He knows that it’s from the traumatic homelessness so he’s not going ape shit on me. It makes me frustrated because I know it’s happening and it wouldn’t be disassociation but I’m not out of body though. It’s just weird and I realize now that although being homeless did a lot of good for me, it also did a lot of bad.
Matt and I were homeless together. We kept in touch and updated each other about our onward progresses. He died last spring and from what I gathered in our texts he seemed to be doing well. I don’t lie about progress because I feel like that’s bad juju so I told him honestly about the good and bad things going on. He shared only good things which makes me believe he really wasn’t in a good place. I still can’t believe he’s gone. I don’t like talking to spirits. People who are alive is what I prefer to talk to. Just wish we could talk about the things we went through together is all.
