Anxiety and this blog 😬…
My biggest fear and traumas are being told I’m a liar. I grew up intuitive and inspite of having a family that is intuitive, sometimes I say the things I see or heard and it was brushed off or I was treated like I wasn’t honest. So I’ve become very sensitive about it. Admittedly I was a tattle tale, and when I didn’t like someone especially, I’d get them in trouble for doing something they know they shouldnt. At work, I’d tell a manager if someone is being sketchy. I guess no one really likes a snitch lol 😆 and people learned to not trust me. Even at times my own friends made fun of me. One has actually came out an apologized and since then we’ve been talking. So that’s nice I guess.
I’m a horrible liar 😆. My mom can testify to this. My whole family could! I’d laugh 🤭 first before I could tell my family a lie. Keeping secrets like GOSSIP is extremely difficult though. That’s harder and that’s another thing my friends hated about me. I tell them I can’t keep secrets yet they tell me and get mad at me for not bending the truth or mad at me for telling the truth. Another thing is I’m very forgetful. So if someone tells me a secret likely I’ll forget and it will slip accidentally. So now I just think before I speak:
When in doubt, don’t dish out.
Keeping secrets online is easier. Idk why I guess because my friends are online. I make a huuuuge effort though not to share people’s info about their spiritual journey when they tell me not to. While there’s a lot more going on in my journey, there are some things I rather not disclose out in the open. Although I have but in a cryptic way or without actually saying outright lol. If a friend wants to know something I’ve not written about, I don’t mind disclosing at all if I like them and feel they are mature enough to handle said information.
Another reason I don’t want to see a traditional therapist.
The purpose of therapy is to heal. In order to heal, you need to be open and to be honest. I tried going that route. Trying to explain this journey to a therapist in a way that “makes sense” is not only hard but FUCKING EXHAUSTING AS SHIT! At least 2x a week? Oh hell no I’m not doing that shit again for anyone. At least I tried.
I’m also assuming therapists can pick up on lies like a child picks up dirt. Lol??? 😆 They could very well know I’m not being honest just based on my body language alone! I wear myself on my sleeve? I don’t really know how to explain because I dont really wear my emotions on my sleeve. Most people can’t tell I’m in a certain mood. Or can they and I’m just dumb? 🤔 Now I’ve confused myself ROFL 🤣. FFS Which one is it?!
Also I’m easily embarrassed!
I turn beet red when I’m faced with needing to tell the truth because I’m worried if they will believe me. Inside I’m having an internal panic attack. Especially if someone asks me a rather personal question. Being online no one can see me but I promise you I still panic because I want to tell the truth. I also have to be mindful about how I explain things because I have thought disorder where it’s in my head but I cant translate it to words or speech especially with anxiety and I don’t want to be misunderstood. Fun fact: I saw a speech pathologist for years for that reason and for not speaking for a while. I was selectively mute.
Even unprompted just writing or posting something that is near and dear to me makes me squirm. You’d think five years of this, it would change …. NOPE! 😒 Fuck me, right? However I’m trying to change that now. To be a little bit more open. If people believe me that’s great. If they don’t that’s fine too. I used to be a skeptic so I completely understand that. But the one thing that would kill me is being told I’m a liar.
At this point, I guess from now on, if someone for some fucked reason, wants to slap “liar” on me, it’s purely out of spite and I should ignore it. But no…I have no problem putting people in their place too. Having been bullied and emotionally abused in such a way, I won’t just lie there and take that abuse anymore. I’m a human being. Fuck that!
Inspite of my issues I proceed!
I keep reminding myself that by having this blog I’m doing my work. I’m showing people what unconditional love is by having this experience and helping people who might be in a similar situation or feel like they do. I still have hope for humanity and that things can change. Some days my faith is shattered when I see the wrong things we are doing but I remind myself that we are still capable of doing good and inspiring others. That’s my main goal.
On occasion some people will share their story or tell me how much my blog helps them. I have to believe that this blog inspires others on their journey and do it without coming off as a wannabe guru. Y’all know how much I can’t stand those “spiritual” people. I want everyone to come up with their own conclusions because afterall our spirituality and our relationship with God or whatever is private and personal. I have no right to tell you what to do or believe as no one has a right to tell me either. If I slip up, I trust my friends call me on that. Sometimes when I get passionate I go off on a tangent. Never said I was perfect. 😜