Keeping things hidden fucking sucks!
I’m open about everything. If it’s something very private I’ll talk it over privately because this journey contains a lot of intimate details. Generally I’m a private person but I make attempts here and there to tell you guys what’s going on and what Erik and I are doing.
Unfortunately I can’t tell my bf every single detail and it’s something that’s been bothering me. He knows we are twin souls and he acts as a spirit guide but it goes much deeper than that. I’ve shown him this very blog and hopped he took the time to read especially the bits that are sort of private. I don’t know what he read or how much. I trusted he would get enough info to make a decision on if he wanted to give this relationship a try.
I don’t want Rick to feel less important.
While it’s true, twin souls have a deeper and tighter bond than soul mates. It doesn’t make Rick less than a person or lover. It doesn’t mean we can’t have a meaningful relationship. I want a normal life! I’ve always wanted to just be normal. Having the problems and health issues I have, feeling like a reject, it’s only natural I just want to have a normal life. Rick, having the very same issues as me and Erik, he understands how being normal is important to me.
I don’t rely on Erik or my intuition in my life, read tarot on myself everyday, or abuse my abilities. It’s all because I have bigger problems like managing my depression for example. Being human and trying to balance it with this journey is hard.
There’s a whole life in my astral world.
When I talk to Erik, I do it in our home where it’s safe. I mean Erik and I’s home. When I go, I go as my higher self keeping my human life mostly separate from my connections with Erik. So Hadassah (me) doesn’t interact directly there and my higher self is limited in my conscious life here in reality. So basically I split myself up to keep things organized in that way. Erik refers to me as Vanessa (a name I found was my spirit name), and refers me as Hadassah in my pronouns (sheher).
Effectively I’m basically living in two worlds. Trying to explain that to Rick may not go well. He has issues he’s not dealt with from his past and may not be able to recognize the attempts I’ve made to keep my spiritual life separated from my waking life.
We both have a lot of trauma.
We both have talked about how we can’t be in love anymore. I’ve been hurt so much in the past that ever since Erik’s death I’ve not actually loved anyone. Since then it’s been about survival and I made myself believe I loved them. He knows I’m not in love with him but I do love him. I love him enough and he loves me enough to want a future together.
Its kind of like we are settling and we know this. We are also tired of the dating scene and we’ve known each other for years. We met right after I began my descent knowing Erik died. It was not a good time for me so we just stayed aquatinted hanging out whenever we happen to be at the same place. It seems like we have this loveless relationship and it might be true. What we have isn’t Earth shattering love most people want but we are okay with it.
The only thing I could do was make implications.
I still don’t know how I can talk about Erik without making him feel some type of way. I wish there was a way to keep him secure. I don’t want another physical relationship. It would be just meaningless because I won’t know who they are if that makes sense? Probably not. I don’t want to waste more of my life getting to know someone new. I’m getting way to old for that now! Rick is best. He’s safe, he accepts me for who I am, he’s open-minded, hilarious, truthful, understanding and wants to help me be a better person.
So I’ve tried the best I could to tell him everything. He has the link to this blog. He’s read this. It’s not like I’m going behind his back. I hate that I can talk openly in spite of his open mind. It makes me depressed knowing that no matter who I talk to there will be some know-it-all that will gaslight me, belittle me, condescend me or patronize me. Everyone wants to be an expert. Everyone wants to think they are being helpful. Having had therapists my entire childhood has made me not enthusiastic about seeking therapy. I don’t want to have to dumb down my experiences for the sake of saving myself the ridicule.
I just want to live my life!
I don’t need anyone’s advice if I don’t ask for it. No one needs to help me. This isnt to say I’m perfect because I’m not but most of the time, people come off to me like I’m an idiot. I’m not an idiot. Like, I’m on the spectrum but holy shit. People who know me will use that as an excuse to treat me like one so they can feel better. This isn’t to say I have a problem with everyone. My only issue is with people who feel the need to insert themselves in my life as if I don’t know how to live. Not everyone does that. If I just want to rant, I just want someone to just listen to me. Some people don’t get it. They take it upon themselves to act like a douche. Sometimes I do it too, I’m not perfect but I try to not do that and apologize if I do.
This journey is mine. It’s no one’s place to impose their beliefs. This is my blog. I never insert myself into others lives like that. It’s so rude. Then when I do ask for input or advice they seem to act like I’m asking because they are an expert. No no no. That’s not it at all. I don’t need to read thier book. I’m just asking for input. It doesn’t mean I’m going to accept everything they’re going to feed me. That’s why I stopped talking to fellow spirit widows. They had a big stick up their ass. I really hope I don’t get like that and if I do that my friends tell me.
