Spiritual Con-artists and Imposter Syndome
Ok….I’m not smart or intelligent. Inspite of having a culinary degree, I still have just an 11th grade education. I’m gullible, I have mood swings, PTSD, anxiety, depression and yadda yadda. My whole life I felt victimized because of bullying and not having proper parental support. I’m entitled to have feelings and to write about them in hopes of healing in some way.
I grew up intuitive and actually hated my intuition. I didn’t like seeing events in the future and then see it come to being exactly how I saw it. I didn’t like things that couldn’t be explained. Spiritually I was conflicted. I went from believing in god to sort of believing to not believing, then sort of believing to believing after my experience with God which was crazy.
When I’ve come back to being spiritual and having this experience…
…I saught answers and opened myself back up to different places and teachers and shit. This is why I don’t follow anyone or buy into their things: It’s hard to prove they are honest. Especially when it comes to ET contact which was very important to me. Now I’m kind of disheartened to realize I was becoming slowly a follower and believer in Steven Greer and Emery Smith.
So I did some digging and realized I was fucking up. Like omg they are cons and I was so close to being conned into their shit! Of course I’m upset and it’s kind of made me think twice about watching anything on GAIA anymore. Billy Carson seems legit though. I really hope he is! Obviously I’m not going to spend too much of my time watching these videos.
Then I started to get in my own head.
Am I a con? Well no because: A)I’m not asking for money or publishing books or going on tours. I hate public speaking and anxiety will make my Tourrets acts up and it’s incredibly embarrassing! B)I provide a lot of info and evidence to back up my experiences and I’d be more than willing to answer (and I have) questions, provide my receipts and shit. C)I don’t claim to have all this info on twin flames. I don’t believe the TF community understands what unconditional love is and I don’t consort with people in that community because most of them are toxic.
So I’m a lone wolf on this journey and prefer to be this way. I don’t want public recognition or expect public recognition. What does really bother me is being called a liar. So far this hasn’t happened yet and you’d think after 5 years people would have but no, thank you god. I’ve just had one really weird chick email me and then send me a crazy long apology email saying I was right and they were wrong. I didn’t care about being right. What I cared about was: Why did she have to go out of her way to create a new and curious email address and send me that email right after I made a post about jealousy?! Then that night I talked to Erik about it. The next was I got the apology the very next day! WTFF?! Wanting to put it behind me, I deleted it.
I still have anxiety because I’m human!
So I’m going through a rough time so this makes me vulnerable and frankly depressed. I’m still dealing with losing a very close friend or “ex bf”. It might have been a suicide, I don’t want to know. But Erik telling me as I was waking up that he died and then finding out it wasn’t bullshit, screwed me up pretty bad. Then there was Erik’s bday and his death anniversary and then starting this move to a new apartment. Too much stress!
Sitting in my room watching videos like those on GAIA really helped me cope in some ways. So yeah I was easily suckered into what these cons had to say and this makes me very sad. Like why do people have to be so evil? What if people think I’m just like them? I’m a lot of things but I’m not a liar. I know at the end of the day, God has seen me do everything and yes, he has called me on my shit before and will do so again. Trust me on that! He’s not someone you want to give you a talking to. He’s not mean… He’s just honest. Honesty hurts. He’s very joyful too so don’t get me wrong.
My higher self when I fuck up:
We move in less than a week.
Things are moving along quickly and change is very very difficult for me. It could be happy change and it still freaks me the fuck out, man but I like structure and routine but honestly since learning about Matt’s death, I’ve been in a slump! I stopped going to the gym, stopped working and stopped eating healthy. Inside I’m screaming and outside I have on this mask like everything is okay because I feel like by admitting I’m not okay OUT LOUD it makes me weak or attention seeking. That’s imposter Syndome. Gotta fucking love that bullshit. Thanks gaslighting assholes for your contribution.
Today I got into an argument with my bf which ended with me crying and him trying to console me and my broke ass. He’s trying to get me to open up but I just feel like I can’t with anyone. Writing how I feel and talking to Erik is what I do but even that isn’t enough. I feel like talking about my feelings out loud sounds fake. Am I conning people by expressing out loud?
Erik said I’m conning people into believing I’m okay when I’m not.
Yeah that makes sense but my biggest fear is being called a liar. Mainly because I grew up being told I was one and when I expressed my emotions, I was attention seeking. How fucked has society become? I feel like I want my spaceship and to get off this planet. I just want to go the fuck home!
It’s like things that disappoint me are coming. This means I really need to try harder to cope with what I got to deal with, be more positive and look forward. I think this move will prove to be a greater blessing than I hoped! We got the storage space we need and tomorrow we start putting things in storage! I’ll get myself back on track, just steps at a time!