Pushed too hard
Today me and a friend from out band packed most of the things for the move while Rick was out taking care of business. I pushed myself to get so much work done. Then I relaxed for the rest of the night watching GAIA. Then I had this great idea to really try to see Erik. It was so intense I broke down. I pushed too hard on that too.
It wasn’t just seeing Erik. The stress about the move, the fact I still have this annoying cough (seeing Dr tomorrow), losing the singing competition, frustrations about my weight, PMSing, my bf accidentally ate my favorite burrito (yeah I know) and I miss my family back east. Also been eating shit and not showering. Fucking gross but idc. Too fucking depressed to give a fuck about it. I have deodorant and I have no one to impress.
All of that shit just weighing on me.
I just broke down and maybe cried for an hour. Erik keeps saying we are together. But are we? Yes and no. He says yes. But he’s dead. He left me just as the psychic predicted he would just months before he died. Erik chose to leave. In that he chose to leave me (again). It wasn’t like it was cancer or an accident. He picked up a fucking gun and did it. All of those years fighting with my intuition for what? Now my job is to carry this relationship just to show people what unconditional love looks like? Really? As if anyone fucking cares? Fuck unconditional love. Most people would assume I’m crazy because that’s how fucked humanity is. No one cares about unconditional love. People only give a shit about themselves.
Even as much as writing that fucking letter to his guardian angels. What was all that for? Sure the angels came through and literally delivered but after the fact. After he chose to leave. After all of the painful relationships I had in spite of looking. David from Texas being the worst offender to basically use me as a notch on his bed post because I was in high school. It took me 5 years to get over that. I was suicidal in 2007 and 2008. I didn’t even graduate from high school. I’ve been through 3 abusive relationships after that and tried several times to kill myself but no. I had this nagging feeling that if I did I’d never meet who I was looking for so I had make myself believe he was alive even though I knew since winter 2009 he wasn’t.
It’s not fair.
Why me and why this bullshit? I don’t want this. I never fucking wanted this but for some reason I feel like if people knew I’d be judged unfairly (as always). I know I shouldn’t care and normally I don’t but I’m so volnerable and tired. I’m tired of fighting and being strong. I’m so fucking tired. This wasn’t what I wanted.
All that time looking for him inspite of hating my natural intuition, I could have done something with my life. I could have saved myself from all the trauma and did something. I say that I’m lucky to have not believed in Twin Flames. Now I think maybe in some way I did. I didn’t believe in them but I wasted a chunk of my life looking for my TF without knowing it. This is a realization that hurts the most.
