Still haven’t really talked to Erik. I feel like doing so is pointless. Everything is just pointless. I barely ate today. Losing the contest broke me I think. It’s really put a nice slap in my face. Talent? What talent? A guy who sang off key won and I worked my ass off for the contest. I’m a singer for fucks sake. It’s really made me think there’s no point to anything, no point in working hard at all if I’m just going to fail anyway.

All day my bf and Erik have been reminding me that I was the best in that contest. I know I was and that others opinions don’t matter. But when it comes to my performances, it does matter more than it should. I still don’t want to go out to sing anymore. At least maybe not until after we move. It’s just not in me anymore.

It’s all made me wonder if I’m a bad person.

Erik said I’m only human so bad? No. Talented? Yes. I might have lost because people assumed I must have won’t contests before or that I didn’t need to win. Let the underdog win inspite of my talent. Vote against me to spite me.

Rick is always telling me how others are jealous of me. Why for? I’m tired of people either bullying me or being jealous of me. I sing well because I practice and I have pride over my craft. How does that warrant jealousy? It makes absolutely no sense to me. Why get mad at someone for having confidence?

Well…I’m tired pretty early. Guess I’ll go to bed.

😘💕 Good night

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