The many faces of my depression: 2010

Idk why I’m bothering to do this. Was looking through my pictures of how I was before Erik died. I was cute maybe? Idfk but what’s important to me is 2010. I was screaming internally, depressed, and grieving over someone or something I couldn’t explain. A psychic correctly predicted the dude I was “looking for” would die. I cried for hours after that because I felt it, that he was right. After that I refuse to believe it. Being so depressed was isolating so I partied, got drunk nearly every night either at home locked up in my room, never coming out, blasting emo music, or out with my friends secretly bcrying in the bathroom or in the parking lot. I hid my pain well until I was too drunk to fake it anymore.

I think because I didn’t talk about what was going on, my friends were at a loss or assumed I was seeking attention. At one point my friends did an intervention. Anyway I picked some pics from around the year of 2010, during which I was spiralling:

My weight was fluctuating sooooo bad.

I remember at one point my clothes were too baggy so I forced myself to eat. Then I started smoking weed to deal with everything and gained some more weight. I was so depressed I had no motive to eat and if I ate it was something at the club or bar my friends and I frequented.

I was put on Zoloft and then Zoloft, Depakote, and Trazadone. Towards the end of 2010 it made me gain more weight then I stopped taking my meds because it was making me fat and my intuition thrived on my meds if they allowed me to concentrate. Without meds, I can’t concentrate at all! On the right kind of combo, it was there. Even on meds I drank and partied because if I wasn’t sober my intuition did work that way either.

Doing so many drugs, so much drinking and while being on psych meds, was a very dangerous thing. I’m totally careful now especially when it comes to psychedelics. They are done safely and shit. But back then I really didn’t give a fuck. In some ways I hoped the right combo or quantity of things would kill me.