How I have a boyfriend and a Twin Soul on the other side!
Long story short I grew up intuitive. I had known once I was introduced to the internet, my intuition would shut the fuck up about finding some guy who didn’t live in Florida…. NOOPE. It didn’t. So in September 21st 2007 I wrote a letter “To my soulmates guardian angels”, asking for them to help him find me “any way possible” not at all believing it would work. Well it did but Erik invaded my dreams because he died…
Well a psychic in spring 2009 told me who I was looking for was going to die. I shutdown emotionally. Then around November or December… definitely BEFORE January 2010, I had gotten worse. Drinking, was forced on medications, I cried all the time, caused a lot of drama, etc. I was mourning and grieving but didn’t understand why. It was so frustrating that I couldn’t talk about it. So I settled for meaningless relationships, hook ups, and not giving a fuck about anything.
A whole life wasted.
I tried to look for Erik. Even though it irritated me. My serious bfs were long distanced and my not so serious relationships in between weren’t serious at all. Just fillers. People to keep me entertained even if they were dicks. In all that time before Erik’s death I was stressed and frustrated. My hopes were dashed when Erik died. Then I wasted 10 more years with 3 shitty men all because I didn’t want to be homeless. My bf calls that prostitution. I guess metaphysically in terms of past lives, some things don’t change. Until 2020, 10 years after I met Rick.
… I’ve not been really in love with anyone since 2009. I met Rick right around the time I started going “insane”. It sounds weird but Rick and I are not crazy in love either. He’s had trauma too. We get along well, we don’t want to date anymore, we’ve known each other for a while and neither of us want to be alone. Rick is the first guy since 2006 to really appreciate me and respect me. He deserves me. Do I deserve him? Idk…
Rick knows everything about Erik and is very supportive.
When we reconnected as friends, the first thing I brought up was Erik. Im a terrible liar. That means I’m horrible at keeping MOST secrets. I even pass messages to Rick from Erik as if the three of us are having a conversation. Erik LOOOOVES Rick. I can go on and on about that and I really have.
The point is Erik and I made this decision together. At first I fought with him on it but he wants me to be happy and to try to live normal a life as possible. The fact Erik truly loves Rick is convincing that this is the life I need. It’s not what I always wanted. But it’s what I always needed since Erik’s death, which was stability and someone who wasn’t a tiny dick douche-canoe with drug problems. Rick is the exact opposite. The bonus is Rick, Erik and I have the same diagnosises. So it’s a party around here. Sometimes I think I was supposed to be with Rick from the start. Rick and I talked about it.
We were both very different people. I was hurt and hurtful and he was a bit too desperate for me to deal. Rick wanted me from the jump. All I wanted was to somehow fuck the pain I couldn’t explain away. All he wanted was to talk and talk and…talk. At that time I couldn’t find anything good about him. He still talks a lot but he’s cut back. Our friends constantly as how I can deal with it. Well…I have Erik in my head and he also would talk my ear off. I’ve only had just learned to block him or shut him up or he’s learned to not get on my nerves. Still have gotten used to the gabbing and whatnot.
It’s hard and it’s not for everyone.
Rick and Erik are a lot alike. It frustrates me some times and sometimes it’s fun. One of the toxic and completely wrong ideas the TF community has is that it’s… Impossible to be in a relationship with who is not your TF. It’s not impossible, it’s just hard and everyone wants the easy button. No one cares about hard work. That’s not love either. Real and unconditional love requires work. You can’t love unconditionally if you can’t be bothered to work on your relationships. Even better when they want to work too!
All relationships are fucking hard. Yeah, sure. I don’t love Rick the exact same as I love Erik. Now, that can seem impossible if you look at things from a negative side. It’s not impossible though. I accept Rick in all his flaws because I have flaws too and just because he’s not my TF it isn’t a real reason to not love him too. Love is love. It’s not conditional. I know I know I’m repeating myself.
How I choose to live on this journey is my choice.
Fuck the TF community and it’s insane false ideas about what love is. Most people in it are delusional about the TF signs bullshit. I’ve had someone tell me that being with my bf is disrespectful to my TF. I was told that a relationship with someone other than your TF can’t happen, I was told that if your TF is dead, he’s not your TF.
Yeah…WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
Not once did I ever want, ask, or need this stupid information. Ever hear that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH LOVE? How about…ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE? Am I missing something here? If there is love (doesn’t need to be heart stoping “magical” kind of love), why complicate things more by adding the toxic twin flame ideology? It’s full of negativity. Full of conditional love. Of course Erik is still my TF. I just don’t see a point being part of a toxic community like that.
Don’t want to be with someone other than your TF?
It’s not my job here to tell you what to do with your life or your TF journey. You do whatever you want. But usually if your TF is dead, there chances are high that they want you to have exactly what Erik begged of me: a life. I’ll never have what I always wanted. I wanted to find Erik and see how it’d go. That ship sailed and I struggle with that every day but I also don’t want to lock myself away either. I just happen to be in a win-win situation. If you go about this the way I do, just know it’s possible. NOT impossible. Fuck it…
EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
So dont believe the hype or rely on what others on a similar journey say. Think for yourselves, learn as you go from your own experiences, develop a communication with your TF and keep it strong. I never like asking for help but Erik is always warning me of things proving to be right all the time. Growing up with health issues along with autism, I just wanted to be normal. So naturally I don’t abuse my connection to him for everything. Ultimately yeah what you do is your choice. Your TF is always going to look out for you. You just have to listen every once in a while. Don’t be stubborn like me lol.
