This is actual garbage!

I decided to stop reading the 50 SoG book. It felt annoying. I rather read historical fictionnonfiction anyway. My reading wasn’t going to last long, I knew that. Tonight I stopped reading and began to feel emptiness because I realized when it comes to the main character, I can’t relate. I can but not in picture. Everything else is almost spot on. It’s just a book. But my life feels like a book. Sometimes I just wish it wasn’t.

Noticing my favorite books don’t have a main character who is a female person of color. I can’t read and identify much with books like these anymore. I’m proud to be a mixed raced latina. All these characters are either black or white. Nothing else. It got me less and less interested in reading. I feel no connection or a real relatability.

I’d love to write my story as a science fiction novel.

Someone else would sooner rip my story without my permission, take the credit and…BAM! There’s either a movie or TV series based off of that. Obviously if there wasn’t one already. Idk…I’d not be surprised if it happened. Sounds like a long shot but the universe has a way of manifesting crazier shit. I wouldn’t be cool with not been credited or had a say in how the story goes. I would love it to be more diversified and relatable to people of color.

With my luck it would be all of that above and it would completely go off another direction. I try not to think about it but it’s so frustrating. I want to write a book but it requires me to go over painful things. When I tried a 3rd time it got me in a funk for weeks. My story is very sad…With actual help I’m sure I could create something. Just not right now.

It’s been a few days since seeing Erik in a dream.

Idk if I could call it a dream. He was barely there. Sometimes I can dream but I feel him with me. It feels very warm and idk makes me feel like a gitty school girl? The dream can be about anything but I’d feel him. Sometimes he will look like someone else. He’s trained me to tell the difference. I know what he feels like. It’s hard to see him sometimes. My emotions. So he would play it safe by looking like someone else. Usually someone I find attractive. 😂 Of course and I can feel Erik coming from that “person”. If I don’t, I disregard that “person” and move on in the dream like no big deal.

I guess I’m missing him? Maybe it’s my hormones being weird because of the antibiotics interaction with my birth control pills? Idk why suddenly all this dumb shit matters…Of course I’m going to keep training myself to be 💯 okay with seeing Erik in dreamtime and in trance. When I’m emotional it’s nearly impossible but I like to give it the good ol college “try” 😆. That line never gets old ROFL.

I have to get up early to be awake…

…For the much needed piece of paperwork to come in to be dropped off at the apartment office. There so much going on. I have the 2nd round of the singing contest on Saturday and I’ve not yet picked a song. There’s an idea though. We’ve also started cleaning and packing up for the move if that’s even still a thing. There’s drama over that one piece of fucking damnit to hell paper and I just want the stress and mayhem to be over with.

Also I’ve not had a proper 😩👉👌 in over a week due to an infection ironically because of antibiotics I had to take for a very bad and bloody UTI. So yeah…Mamma is very very frustrated. At least I finally got the shit I need for a yest infection this bad. Which never happens. This had to be the one and only first fucking time just to spite me. All this stress, I had gone behind my bfs back and ordered Taco Bell while I sat in the laundry mat. Did a lot of fucking laundry. The taco and burritos was the only glorious thing about my day; overrated tex-mex fast-food. Worth it.

We are running low on weed. We have to fix that or I’ll go over the deepens. I love my nighttime bowls 🌿 😙💨 occupanied with cuddles and NetflixHuluYouTube.

😘💕 I’m really fucking tired…

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