flameontheotherside:

Katy Perry – Thinking of you (Lyrics)

This is so fucking relevent I can only post this one more time.

No lie.

Seriously…

WHAT THE FUCK!

Reposting because as I was packing it came on in a playlist. I have removed the song from my phone. Rick and Erik and very similar. I don’t want Rick to hear the song and assume that I’m only with him for that reason. Yes Rick is my #2 but we are good together aside from the sad fact that sometimes I feel like I’m drowning.

Well it was on my YT playlist. I forgotten to take it off but since I turned down the volume, it played on. While organizing and packing, I thought that’s I could definitely sing it. I did while I used to live in Florida. It’s a fun song to sing because I relate so much to it. It has a deep meaning for me.

While it’s a good song it’s also a trigger. I had to hold back tears from frustration, grief, and feeling like I am a horrible person just because I love my TF. I can’t just not! Back in 2012, I did just that but from time to time I’d remember Erik and of course he frequented my dreams. There’s no real escape what you know in your heart is real. It lasted 5 years. On the 6th year, I’ve started this journey and I have no real interest in going back.

Sometimes I wish Rick would break up with me because I feel like my life is too weird to have him in it. But he’s waited for me to give him a chance since early 2010 while I was grieving and mourning a loss I didn’t understand in spite of a known psychic warning me months ahead of Erik’s death, that’s he’s die.

Rick reminds me all the time how for him it was love at first site. It wasn’t for me. I don’t believe in love at first sight and I didn’t believe in Twin Flames. It was bad timing when we met. I just wanted to party and have a fuck buddy…which I did find who was totally cool with it. Casual random sex. No emotional attachments. It was a simpler time but I was so fucking miserable.

I’m always thinking about my TF. I’ve spent so much of my life listening to my intuition which was very sharp. It said I needed to find a guy outside of my state. All I knew was he needed help and time was a big issue. Sometimes I find myself still looking for him! Then I hear him say, ‘Im right here, I’ve never left’, depending on my mood I break down into tears or fall silent and crawl into my shell. Sometimes I smile but most of the time I shutdown and hate myself for failing.

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