Never Enough

Guess I’m PMS-ing something so awful (doesn’t mean my feelings are invalid) that I’m feeling the urge to walk 2 minutes to 7-11 just to pick up a few bottles of whine. I know it sounds mellow dramatic but my cramps hurt, booze helps it and I’m just feeling like shit about myself. I guess I’m doing what I said I wouldn’t do and dwelling on the likelihood that Erik would have been like ever garbage guy I ever liked in my life.

I was so rejected. Literally just always was either a placeholder for someone better, when I wanted a serious relationship I was just to be used, when I didn’t want a relationship they would belittle me, I was cheated on and lied to.

Never once believed in Twin Flames.

Never thought about soul mates like they were the only person for you. Never bought into the There-Is-Only-One-For-Me-Club. Never believed in love at first sight. My long distance relationships were for looking for some guy I knew didn’t live in the same state as me. To protect him. From what? I don’t fucking know.

All I cared about was him and finding him. Turns out according to a psychic just a few months before Erik’s suicide, the guy I was looking for would…die. How is that for a nice fuck you in my face or in my ear? For years I was in denial he was really dead. I had to believe he was still alive for the sake of my sanity. Hahaha right? Fucking hilarious (I hate my life).

My love life was always a sick joke to be honest.

But in spite of that I still had hope in my heart and with a break in 2007-8, I tried. Until my lifelong buddy called My Intuition told me the psychic was right. I’ve been shutdown ever since. Bitter. Angry. Hurt. It took over 15 years and 3 abusive ex’s to have Rick. I should be greatful to have Erik (even though he’s dead) and Rick in my life now but I’m not. I’m not okay. Nope, especially not now.

Oh! And uh, Matt used me too…

He’s dead now. No, not because of that, I don’t want to know how he died. It would upset me. While we were both homeless together he used me to get back to Texas while we were in FL. Bought us both tickets. I got him a phone plan and a new phone. We were more than friends. He sent me a text breaking up with me after so much I did for him. All I asked was that he was honest. He told me he wanted me to be his gf (even begged me) and I believed him. No, I was just money to him. He apologized for everything shortly before he died. Nah, I don’t really forgive him. I’m pretty solid on the pissed off right now. Not really in a forgiving mood.

Jokes on me he broke up with me through text. Then tried to cover it up by saying it was just a prank on his ex to persuade her to keep his stuff safe with her in FL. OH YEAH! I let his ass have it. I was furious. So fucking tired if men taking advantage of me. People just seeing me as some loser push-over.

How can I assume Erik would be different?!

He left me out to dry in our 3 lives. How would this be different? Because from where I sit, he left me out to dry by killing himself when if he only fucking waited, I would have found him! How fucked is that? What am I supposed to think or feel? I feel worthless and used all those years.

I’m gullible and naive and…on the spectrum. Funny thing is so was Matt and a few guys I dated who fucked me over. After every relationship I swore to God I’d become a nun. Funny thing is in one past life (yes, with Erik fyi) I did that after getting tired of prostitution.

Turns out my life of prostitution wasn’t over!

Nooooooooope! My bf kindly reminded me that for the last 3 ex’s I was basically a housing prostitute. Um…what? All because I had nowhere to go, homeless and vulnerable. Had no idea about shelters or shit like that until 10 years later when my ex left me while I was recovering from and OD. Yup, he pack his shit up, left mine with my brother, and made me homeless for a year. If that’s not fucked up, I’d like to know what is and why someone like Matt would fuck me over after I told him that was how I became homeless?! His situation was kind of similar! His apology can kiss my brown ass.

So yeah technically I didn’t love any of those shit holes. I made myself believe I loved them just so I could have a roof over my head. Went from asshole to asshole for a roof over my head. Being with Rick, am I doing it again? Idk I felt like I could trust him and he’s loved me for 10 years. Knowing he’s changed I told him I’d give us a try. It’s been almost 2 years. He’s not an addict at all and he’s never been an asshole to me. So I think I’m doing something right?

Idk at this point I’m convincing myself that I’m unworthy of anything.

Even Erik. Wtf is he doing with me of all people? Why does he have to be my TF? Why couldn’t he have just fucking waited? I’m so angry. I just don’t understand why my life is a fucking joke. I get that I’m socially awkward and I’m not an Instagram model but I’m talented. That’s it!

People tell me not to change and there’s nothing wrong with me. They don’t know the struggling I’ve been through. Over and over it’s been shoved in my face that I’m nothing and that I should be ashamed of myself. What the fuck did I do to deserve it? Seriously it’s something I could never figure out. Nah I can’t really tell the difference between good and bad people because I’m naive and gullible….or maybe I just try to see good in the wrong people expecting them to be different when they are the fucking pieces of shit I should have never given a fuck about.

I’m not in the mood to talk to Erik. I’m so livid that I just might cry myself to sleep feeling bad about everything.

😘💕 Good night

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