Ugly Betty 😂
…Okay I’m not as ugly NOW… But yeah I used to be called “Ugly Betty”. I have horrible eye sight (-4), I’m clumsy, I have tourrettes, bipolar and I’m on the spectrum. Easy target? Of course. I started wearing contacts when I was 12 because I was bullied a lot for looking weird. Sometimes in high school Id wear glasses because I was tired of poking my eyes every morning.
My awkwardness and annoying character stopped me from feeling any kind of self worth. People are shit. By the time I landed in my 30s I’ve learned how to stick up for myself but the damage done in my formidable years gave me PTSD. I now have social anxiety and a chip on my shoulder so even if someone wasn’t really being a dick to me I would sort of be catty or “mean”. I have a hard time understanding if someone is good or bad.
I have a big heart.
If I see someone in need I go to them and I do what I can. Often times people take advantage of me. I don’t usually understand when they do until it’s too late. It’s always the assholes I cater to. I never see them coming and the people who do right by me, I confuse with being the asshole. I’m so fucking backwards.
People often think I have all of this confidence but I don’t really. People tell me how beautiful and talented I am allllll the fucking time. You’d think I’d be miss hot shot by now but, no. Not really. Sometimes if I’m in a good mood I go about my happy self at the bars sitting at a stool chatting it up with some random old dude or awkward guy my age. I catch other women looking at me not able to tell if they are jealous or admiring.
Some women are jealous of me.
Every once in a while I’ll hear of some chick flirting with my bf while I’m away. My bf tells me what they say. When people are drunk, the truth comes out. A lot of times Rick will tell me of some chick to talks to him about how “lucky” he is but then they drool over him too. Huh?
There’s a rumor at a bar that one of the bartenders doesn’t like me. Used the excuse that I’m too intimidating and it causes people to not want to participate in karaoke. So I’ve been limited to the kind of songs I sing. Seriously! I’m not even kidding. I’m a singer so uh yeah I’m going to be decent on stage. This makes me worried about the competition. Would it be ruined now that both me and my professional singer bf signed up? It’s interesting they do the contest on 4 Saturdays. We usually show on Thursdays. Did they think we’d not show up or something? Eh, idk or really care because I’m doing it anyway.
People either love me or hate me.
This may or may not be true. I realized this in comparing how people treat me. It’s annoying that situations are never consistent. Idk what to expect. Like, I’m always nervous when I go to a new place to hang out. I have a lot of friends here in Washington who don’t know my awkward past and I like it that way.
My friends in Florida know me too well from when we were kids or whatever. I don’t think they like me at all or they feel sorry for me and just want to play “nice”. Maybe a few of them are okay but a big majority of them can suck my left ovary.
Which brings me to the conclusion that if Erik and I ever met…
…I don’t think he would have liked me. No one back then did. Then the ones that did like me annoyed me. Rick is very very similar to Erik. I met Rick just a few months after Erik’s death. The beginning of 2010. Rick annoyed the fuck out of me. We were too much alike. Since then, I’ve calmed down and choose a quiet life. So has Rick but he still kind of annoys me.
Or maaaaybe Erik and I would be attached at the hip like Matt and I were. It could have gone either way. I try not to dwell on it too much because it’s pointless while Erik’s dead and now Matt’s dead. It’s weird. Matt and I were super close. Now he’s hanging out with Erik. Losing Matt sort of feels like I’ve lost Erik again.
