My relationships have mostly been long distance until Erik died. I didn’t believe in twin flames or that there is just ONE person for you. I still don’t necessarily think it’s impossible to be with a soul mate instead. My TF is dead. I have to make the most of my situation. Lucky for me there is Rick who I didn’t realize was so much like Erik until I moved in. I’m slow at noticing things about people.

Yes it’s frustrating some times. Yes it’s a lot of fun too in a lot of ways. Rick is very open-minded and accepting of Erik. I even relay messages to Rick for Erik. They watch guitar shit and nascar shit together too. Some days I get very upset with the fact Erik is dead and I take it out on Rick because he’s here. Of course I apologize since I don’t realize what I’m doing. Rick is truly the best man I’ve been with and he says all the time how he’s waited for me for 10 years.

He really did!

We met just a few months after Erik’s death. I was not mentally ready for a serious relationship and I let him know that. In 2010 I had several very not serious relationships but I needed to move out of my childhood home. It was going to be sold and I desperately wanted to look like I was growing up. I settled for 3 abusive addicts before choosing Rick. Honestly I didn’t love them. 10 years wasted … literally.

Since Erik died I’ve not loved anyone. It’s frustrating that I wish I could love Rick as much as I love Erik. No one can take his place. However Rick is such a wonderful person I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else. I hope Rick is my last. If we separated, that’s it. I’m done. I rather be alone.

So having a sort of long distance relationship with Erik feels normal.

I’ve have long distance relationships a lot so this feels no different because he not physically here. I remember back in 2008 I thought it would be great to have a long distance relationship and a physical one. Yeah, I know it’s weird my thoughts tend to manifest a lot. I’m intuitive so yeah, it happens!

It’s just frustrating how I can hear him and feel him energetically but I can’t really feeeeeeel him. Physical touch has always been important to me when it comes to my romantic or otherwise intimate relationships. Kind of why I took little breaks in between long distance ones just to get some kind of fun. I have Rick which is nice but he’s not Erik.

Once when we were high Rick I think channeled Erik.

I hate when he does this. Rick is intuitive too but he has no idea what he’s doing. He can’t control it. So one night Rick made a move on me that Erik did all the time. It startled me so much Rick accomplished the impossible and made me blush really really hard. I asked him why he did it and he had no reason. It happened while with Vince too. Vince and I weren’t happy. I’d not blushed around him in maybe years. He made a move and I got hot and ran off.

Any time I see anyone who even faintly reminds me of Erik makes me uncomfortable. My biggest fear is running into someone like that at a bar. Like in a dream I had doing a show. After a set this guy approached me from the crowd as I was packing up the stage to give me flowers. Something like that. I about died. I felt myself go pale and woke up in a panic.

I worked with someone who resembled Erik back in 2015.

It was right after the dream where he approached me about my spiritual path. I saw him I guess and this guy shows up at work. New hire and it was April because I remember the work I was doing in the bakery department. As a culinary graduate I specialized in cakes and deserts. It was Easter themed shit everywhere. Horrible.

So this guy fucking shows up and I couldn’t keep myself together. Not even for 1 minute. He would use my ovens while I worked or pretended to look busy. I don’t think I said more than 3 to 5 sentences at a time and looked for reasons to not be in the same room as him. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Not my type so it made no sense. But he looked like the fucking guy in my dream! I literally had no feelings for him at all! It was extremely confusing and I hated having to deal with him. I wasn’t able to be human. It made my awkwardness more awkward and people at work hated me. Really no one I work with ever really likes me at all. I never could understand why.

The only relief I got was quitting to work more jobs where people hated me.

I decided culinary wasn’t for me and neither was retail. Worked office jobs ever since. Easier money and weekends off. I don’t mind 9-5 or 12 -9 office work at all. If I had the chance to work nights in an office setting I’d jump on it but most of the time people didn’t like working with me and I gave up caring.

Matt reminded me of Erik but he didn’t look like him. BIG DIFFERENCE. It wasn’t really easy trying to work up the nerve to talk to him at first. Matt passed recently. It’s weird that he’s gone. It’s been a rough few months since finding out. He kind of provided what I needed from Erik. Most of the time he just frustrated me too.

😘💕 Good night!

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