I Don’t Think Erik Would Have Liked Me

All of my long distance relationships ended badly or just fizzled. My local relationships? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Laughable at best. Let me paint you a picture:

Comicmanga geek obsessed with magical girl shojou and slice of life stories. Glasses (mostly contacts, wore them since 6th grade), loud and hyper, stalked the hot guys in school, got bullied by the hot guys in school, got rejected by the hot guys at the mall, even rejected by the outcasts. My senior year was a nightmare. I had a few friends that just felt sorry for me.

I never felt good enough.

So it’s weird now over 15 years later people actually like me. I have the confidence to walk up to a hot guy and (I really did this) and tell him he’s hot. He said he noticed me wall in to the room and thought I was “sexy”. It’s strange that at least here in Washington they don’t know my past.

The “friends” I have back home have known me for yeeeears. Most of them remember my awkward phase. It took me so very long to change who I was. I still feel awkward and I was only able to walk up to that hot guy because I was drunk. Being a stage performer actually gave me the confidence I have now. The kind of confidence I wish I had way back when.

For 2 years I was very depressed.

David was a long distance boyfriend from Dallas who visited me the summer of my senior year. Turned out he was engaged and I was just quasi jailbait. I met him online when I was 18 and turned 19 that summer. I thought he was Erik. This was before the psychic told me he’d die.

I was sooooooo in love with David I annoyed everyone about him. He had some problems and I loved him anyway. So we spent a whole weekend together in July and he slowly poofed. I called him like a crazy person. He ghosted me. Said that we should be friends but would go offline as soon as I was online. It ruined my senior year.

Because of him I coasted.

Still got into college despite not having a GED. Yeah don’t ask me how. I think the admission people lied or something. They were very disorganized in the office. I was supposed to get my baker’s cert but I ended up doing 2 years of culinary.

So senior year and a year in college I was so very miserable so that’s 2007-2009, I was agonizing over David. Then started agonizing over Erik after the psychic told me about Erik. The pain never fucking stops. After Erik’s death I stopped long distance relationships completly. By this time I heard of twin flames but knew little and didn’t believe in the concept of it.

Then from 2009-2018 10 years of shitty bfs.

I thought about my life and shit and I think Erik would have been like every asshole. Why not? Everyone else was. It took 13 years to finally settle down with a human being. Rick is so perfect in comparison that it pisses me off. I’m like:

Well why isn’t he emotionally abusive??

It kills me when I think about my shitty fucking luck. Jared was the most decent bf I had in my youth My “first”, took my virginity… but our relationship was all about fucking and playing video games. I went back online for long distance relationships because I NEEDED to find Erik. Jared was just a reason to lose my virginity and don’t get me wrong I LOVED him but his hygiene and after 2 years of nothing but boning I started to fall out of it. We ended things amicably. Hooked up with him once when we were 21 and haven’t seen him since. He’s still friends with my friends of course. Facebook.

While I scoured the internets there was John.

Another giant waste of time. This time I KNEW from the beginning. One of my pet peeves are liars. He would say he’ll call me right back or pick me up a certain time, and then show up at some random time. I knew he was dating me just because I was in high school. I kinda had a crush on him since I was 14 way back when I used to be a mallrat hanging out with other metalheads and goths decked head to toe in Hot Topic regalia. Good times. John made me cry enough to break up with him and he made me feel bad. I did a YouTube video of it on my xgunslingermomox channel.

😘💕 Stay warm my loves!

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