Suicide Ideation

I understand how serious this topic is. When I started this blog, my intention was to share my experiences using this platform as an outlet. It turned into sharing my experiences as a way to reach people dealing with this kind of spiritual journey. Turns out I’ve helped a lot of people. One of whom is like a little sister to me. We turn to each other for guidance, input, support, etc.

Being open about this journey requires that I’m open about myself and my issues. It’s no surprise really that Erik and I have the same ones. This means that I have a disposition to kill myself as well. I’m not saying that I want to die. I actually don’t but part of being bipolar, it comes with thoughts or ocd tendencies like playing off in my head my own death and funeral. I’ve worked it all out over and over again.

It’s easy with benzos I think.

All I’d have to do is get real drunk or high enough to convince myself it would be okay and toss a whole bottle down with some whiskey or beer as insurance. It would be like going back to sleep like I always do except I won’t wake up.

Rick would have to find me like that. I don’t want to do that to him but I can imagine it would fuck him up for life. The way Erik left messed me up. He couldn’t wait for me to find him. The psychic who predicted his death to me 13 years ago was right. So by doing this to Rick wouldn’t be fair. Rick doesn’t deserve to suffer because of me. Sure I can leave him a note to try to smooth it out but it wouldn’t bring me back to life.

But what do I do when I feel like giving up?

I cant talk to a therapist. I’d have to be totally honest and I know them. Years ago I looked down on people like me and shoved my intuition far out of my mind. My intuition said I needed to find Erik since I was a kid. My intuition told me he was dead. My intuition did nothing but ruin my life. I’m well aware of how crazy I will sound.

Therapists have failed me before. I’ve seen them my whole childhood through my senior year. Never talked about my intuition but everything else. I never really felt safe. I wasn’t listened to. They gaslit me and talked down to me all the time. It would be no different now. No matter how much I try, they will only see a schizophrenic psychopath who “thinks” she talks to otherworldly beings with a mission to save earth. When you look at it on the surface level without actually listening, it will sound that way.

I don’t trust anyone to listen to me.

People always disappointed me. People are so shitty. Why live in a world where just being different means you’re less than? What’s the point anymore? I’m so tired of worrying if people really like me. I know I shouldn’t care and most of the time I don’t but when I’m feeling vulnerable or this tired everything bothers me.

I got into another bar fight. Yeah most people don’t expect me to fight with people. It didn’t get physical because I stormed out before I felt like punching her in the face for saying some homophobic shit to my gay friend outside. Rick kept yelling at me to stop but I couldn’t. I kept digging at her I wanted to see what she would do. Instead I snapped out of it and stormed out and into the car just yelling about how fucked people have to be. My gay friend and I had a talk about how hard it is for him to find love and it touched me. I felt so bad for him.

I have a lot of friends here now.

So I think about how they’d feel if I left. They would be shocked and I know they would cry. Every time we meet at the bar it’s like I’ve found my tribe. They treat me like family. They are there when I need them and they are always so very nice to me. They remind me that I’m one of them, I’m part of thier crew and they take care if thier own. I can see how they’d find out first on Facebook, they would blow up Rick’s cell and will take care of him.

My family would be shocked or not shocked. They had to deal with me and my shit for so long. They would take it very hard obviously and I think my younger brother would beat himself up. We stopped talking to each other due to opposing beliefs. My dad’s side would be devastated. Especially my dad.

Would I be with my TF?

Idk…I think with my luck he’d be in another life and I’d have to hang around as one of his spirit guides. We wouldn’t be together. Again. That’s the biggest reason I don’t want to do it but if I was presented with something so fucked up, I would feel there would be no choice but to. I hope that doesn’t happen.