No more, ever again…
People don’t believe me. How is it hard to believe. I can be a stubborn bitch sometimes lol. I’ve made my decision and I wholeheartedly know without a doubt if things ever go south between me and Rick, I’m done. Yeah sure I’m only 33 and I’m still young and scrappy and whatever the fuck.
I’ve been through a lot. Lost Erik or actually failed to find him. Gave up after the psychic told me Erik would die. When I felt it for sure that Erik was dead, I lost it. Really really lost it. I dated Josh before Erik died and we stayed friends. Close friends. Matt died this year and of course it’s September so I’m a wreck.
Erik, Matt, Josh and Rick.
That’s it. When Josh goes, I’ll be fucked. With Rick it will be worse off. People tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about. No, I know myself well! I know myself better than anyone and I find it insulting when people act like I don’t. Some kind of gaslighting I guess.
Already, mentally, I can’t afford to lose anyone. It’s bad enough in the first place to have failed Erik. I will be sick. Very very sick. I will slowly deteriorate. Having been through so fucking much, I can’t do life anymore. So yeah…if I have a kid or whatever it might change things but I’d rather give up custody to my twin brother who I know for a fact wouldn’t think twice. I don’t want to be that mentally fucked parent that screws up thier children. I wouldn’t want my own kid(s) to see me so fucked up.
It makes me think twice about everything; Rick, us, getting married, having children. I want all that so bad yet thinking about all this I feel like….What’s the point then? If at all there is a chance Rick dies and I’m left with everything, I will infact break. Rick and I talked about this; the stuff about wanting to stay together no matter what. However since hearing about Matt’s death, I feel like going our separate ways is best. Forget about my hopes and dreams entirely.