Yeah, I have a cold side. I think it’s okay to. No one can be an angel 100% and I have a hard fucking time believing anyone could be. Call me a cynic. I started being one since 2010. I didn’t believe in love at first sight (still dont), I didn’t believe in Twin Flames, I had been hurt by so many people and by so many who should have had my back including friends, family, teachers, and caregivers. They failed me.
One thing that never stopped was seeing some good in the worst people in my life. I wanted to be with addicts who only cared about themselves. In the case of Rob, Isaac and Vince, for me, it wasn’t about saving them. The hero complex wasn’t with them. I was desperate for shelter so I needed to believe they were good people. To an extent I loved them but it was superficial.
Does it make me a hypocrite?
Maybe but I was young and scared and taken advantage of. I don’t care of they died. Well, for Vince, I’d care a little. He wasn’t always that bad. But nah, not the rest of them. That includes the minor cases in my life. No fucking petty on them. I’m sure however they die is well deserved and I never want to see them and hear from them alive or dead. They fucking broke me.
It’s always the good ones that die!
Why did Matt have to go too? I knew him so intimately. I helped him because I really believed in him. Some days I’m angry as Erik for allowing me to be friends with him in the first place but I remind myself it’s kind of stupid to be. It’s not Erik’s job to do that. I’m just angry that more of my good friends are dying one by one. Chris Lee was another. Died May 5th 2017…Didn’t know him well but we talked a lot on a chatsite. I remember the last conversation we had. He asked me if we were related because we had a lot in common. He didn’t live far, he was in Key West, FL. Hearing the news was sad but nothing like Matt, Alex or Erik.
I honestly rather die first before more go.
When it comes to losing people I seriously loved or had a real connection with, I don’t deal with it well. Even my mom hid from me the possibility she was dieing the second time she had cancer. I hated her but I didn’t want my own mother to die. My grampa is going through cancer treatment now. I’m already prepared to hear the bad news. Sure I’m still going to be a fucked up mess but he basically raised me. He’s in GA and I already miss our science and history binges and bantering.
The first was my granny and I took it hard. Even though I was two I vaguely remember her. Every time I talked about her even in my late 20s, I’d choke up. When I finally spoke to her spirit, I fell apart, cried, bawled and of course she told me to stop crying and be strong. She may have been a bad mom to my mom but I see granny in a different light. Even while she was alive she showed me more love. I was her little girl and I truly felt that. Wonder if my mom was jealous. Wouldn’t put it past her, my mom was petty back then. She would tell me all the horrible (and good) my granny did but to me she was a rock, a tough, funny/hilarious, honest and loving women. I was always told I look exactly like her by family. When my last grampa dies, I know she’s going to be so happy…
Before my granny died…
…She told my mom she was haunting the house we lived in (Connecticut) because she loved that house. I remember being 5 years old having talks with her. There was one time I got mad that my baby brother got candy or something. She said something like, “Well it’s not a toy, he’s not going to keep it, he will poop it out anyway!” I sat with my toys laughing and laughing. It cheered me up so from then on, I only got mad when he got new toys instead. I liked playing with his hotwheels cars too.