Drinking
I remember when my intuition told me Erik was dead. The same feeling is what I had when in between awake and asleep; when Erik verbatim said that Matt, my ex bf passed away…I’ve been drinking everyday for nearly a week. Had nursed a few hangovers too. Fun fucking shit.
It feels almost the same; I’m crying, drinking, avoiding talking about it…But today I went for an almost 2 hr walk. It didn’t help. Every time I listen to certain songs, I’m seeing us jamming and right now, I don’t want to see that.
It’s funny I kind if have a whole band on the other side.
We jam all the time. Matt played keys when he was alive, Alex played the drums, and Erik on guitar. I played bass guitar. It’s become such a habit that every time I hear a song we play, my mind goes there. Today I tried very hard not to invision Matt with us. Besides, most songs on our jam list don’t have keys. The thought of Matt just being there at all makes me upset.
I thought going for a walk would clear my head but it didn’t. I came home tired and ready for a shower. That’s just about it. I can’t stay cooped up inside drinking and getting high. I’ve even worked and watched Netflix. Im feeling the only peace I get is just to sleep. Then there’s this motivation to get in better shape. I can’t be this overweight for long. It’s affecting my health. I gotta get back in shape and work on music with the band but I just lack all the motivation.
2 years ago yesterday, Matt asked me to be his gf.
I remember it. I thought sure, why not? I mean both of us were homeless and we needed each other. Now, looking back, I’ve talked it over several times with the frustration over his obsession with his toxic ex. So I gave up on Matt and just did my own thing while in Texas. I felt used by Matt who I helped so much.
I didn’t feel appreciated because against my predictions, he continued to contact her (the toxic ex) and when my predictions were right he ignored it. He went to Wisconsin to move in with a chick he met online. I warned him about her too. Something wasn’t right. Turned out I was right and I had already moved to Washington. There was nothing I could do for him. Naturally I gave him the “I told you so” shit. Asked him to worry about futhering himself instead of needing a women in his life all the time. He didn’t listen to me of course.
I came to terms I was being used by him but he apologized and said several times he appreciated me and missed me very much. His apologies were enough. I figured something must have happened to make him want to suddenly have this moment of clarity.
Now he’s dead I guess Matt knows the kind of BS he dragged me through.
I’m happy that he’s seen how much strife he gave me. Anger? Try Pissed-the-fuck-off for size. Constantly having to babysit him. Why I cared so much is because he reminded me of Erik in some small ways. I felt like I was doing what I failed to do. Just like Erik, Matt died anyway. I guess I used him as much as he used me. To be honest, I loved him but I only loved the fact that being with him almost felt like Erik.
I remember sitting with Matt on some steps of some abandoned building in Waco, TX. I think we were high or whatever. I looked at him straight in the eyes and told him I loved him for who he was. It wasn’t true. I wasn’t talking to Matt, I was talking to Erik. So I guess Matt knows that too. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Maybe he knew what I was subconsciously doing and his way of payback was to piss me the fuck off. I honestly don’t care. It changes nothing. Matt was still a friend to me. I remember the day I first saw him. It’s ingrained in my head.
I was at a shelter in florida when I saw Matt being taken away in cuffs at the gate.
Peeking behind the corner, I saw this buff dude that I used to call “the unibomber” guy because he carried a backpack all the time, wore hoodies over his ball cap and shades over his eyes. He always looked mysterious. I like puzzles and interesting people. I glanced over to watch the police get him inside the car. He was hospitalized in a psych ward.
The reason was fucked up. Long story short, he told me he was basically raped. The shelter stands in a city known for its gays/lesbians. Matt wasn’t a bad looking guy. I believed him when he shared with me the traumatic stories. I sat with him and just listened. He needed someone to believe him. So at the shelter from time to time I’d sit with him, go for walks and I’d like to believe that he knew I was genuinely just trying to help. I wanted to care for someone and he was just another I started to babysit.
The other Matthew at the shelter left. Turned out to be a psycho, so I cut him loose and he left the like a big baby because I called him out on his psychotic bullshit. His rich parents kicked him out to teach him a lesson. He was really disturbed and he hated that I knew it. Several times he’d say some hurtful shit just because I didn’t want to be his gf. Pulled the “don’t talk to other guys” shit and I don’t play that game. I talk to whoever I fucking want. I don’t like insecure men. Fuck that.
I’m not going to be that person anymore.
Josh is left. We’ve been friends since early 2009, it’s a bit late to cut ties. Of course Josh is having a hard time right now and I’m doing the best I can to be there for him while I am functioning at 75%. I’m so tired of caring and getting shit on in one way or another. All I ask is to be listened to and to be appreciated. Thankfully Matt did and so does Josh. He tells me all the time. I just don’t know how well I’ll handle things if Josh goes too.
