How I Hardly Became A Rape Victim

PLEASE NO GATEKEEPING OR GASLIGHTING!

I’ve told several stories about dates that have gone wrong to my friends.

Never really realized that I was raped. About 5x. I’m on the spectrum and it was even worse when I didn’t know for sure I was an aspie. Honestly I think it’s because of how “dumb” I was, that made my rapes less traumatic. It never dawned on me I was raped. Never thought of them as such. Just “quirky” or cringe incidences I laughed off. Except for one though. One was a little more serious but it still doesn’t bother me when I think of it.

It was emotional abuse that fucked me up.

Nothing really physical. My mind was twisted up by people, some made me believe I was a bad person all because I couldn’t understand them, I was used as a placeholder for a better girl, or I was used just for being a high school student, –I was 19 and honestly I was using him just as equally. “I got an older bf and you don’t haha” kind of deal. Eventually I got tired of his shit and broke it off, moved on to another distraction.

So I guess I’m “lucky” to have not really feel like I’ve been raped. I hardly think of it that way. To be fair I used guys too only now, like over 13 years later I realized I was no better than them except for one guy who I feel definitely raped me and I never saw or spoke to him again. It just puts a bad taste in my mouth 🤮 whenever I think about it but I don’t go into hysterics or get depressed.

I had no idea what I was doing or what was happening to me. No one taught me jackshit. Even though I’m in my 30s I have a little bit more knowledge and understand what people mean or want. But because in general it’s still confusing, I rather just stick to myself. Besides, I have a bf I’ve known for 13 years who I trust. It was actually him that made me realize that I was indeed raped. All in all I can only say for certain I was raped at least once but I don’t feel like a rape victim like that. 😕 I got over that one ordeal that happened to me and just moved on because the emotional abuse was way way worse for me.