My Life Before This
I was hardened from a lot of disappointment in 2008 to realize myself that the concept of soul mates and especially twin flames was an excuse to make money by corporations taking advantage of sick people. That valentines day meant nothing, I didn’t (still dont) believe in love at first sight. Lust is often confused with love. Just some firings going off in your brain that causes you to go into a frenzy you think is love but it’s only what you got in your pants making you think you’re in love. You’re not. Love at first sight is an illusion.
I used to believe that people didn’t fall in love. What we really want is validation. Someone to tell us cute lies when we all know, nothing lasts forever. I became so cynical and downtrodden. Yet I still held on to the possibility of finding Erik. It wasn’t about love. To me it was about saving him. I had felt I needed to find him and save him.
Whatever happened next wasn’t really important.
Thinking about it once in a while drove me to stick to the plan and even though I knew in 2010 he was gone early that year, by late 2010, I forced myself to believe he was still out there. I asked his guardian angels to help him find me. Only I didn’t know that they had already done it. I stayed in shitty relationships to survive and waited. Sometimes looked but I had to believe that the psychic was wrong. That I still had time.
Even at my lowest in 2012 on my first real suicide attempt, I felt the urge to fight it. I had to live if I was ever going to find him. Still having not realized he’d been with me the whole time. Well I did but didn’t. I was in denial. But I couldn’t do it at one point during an abusive altercation with Isaac who forced me to overdose on my meds. I didn’t want anything to do with him and never pressed charges. He had who heartedly apologized two years ago and I’ve forgiven him.
By the time I decided to talk to who had been following me in April 2017…
…I was basically battle-worn. I didn’t believe in Twin Flames and I barely believed in soul mates or God for that matter. Yes I was suicidal because the dreams were happening and the urge to find Erik returned. I was scouring the internet since 2016. I didn’t understand. If he was dead then why am I feeling the clock ticking again? What did all the dreams mean?
The commotion of events that happened in 2016 leading up to 2017 left me so tired. With the flu I ask God to give me a sign. That if I had a real reason to be alive, he’d make it known. I needed help. There were so many thoughts and I’m the type of person who needs to solve problems. I have a habit of looking for answers and I’m never satisfied until it makes sense.
This was a puzzle too complicated to figure out.
If I’m not powered by love then what is it? Who is the guy who keeps trying to make contact with me in my dreams? Why are the feelings to find Erik coming back? When the feeling stopped late 2009 I was relieved and yet scared. That’s how I knew he died and the psychic was right but I eventually went into denial and enjoyed the fact I didn’t need to find him for years.
I haven’t really loved someone in a very very very long time.
Even then, I’m not completely sure if it was real. Maybe leftover adolescence or residual I love every thing that walks with a third arm. Yaaaaaaay….because that was kind of my life. Go fucking figure. I lost my virginity to a good guy. A really good guy who really didn’t deserve me. I only wanted to see what was so great about sex. Had my fun for two years and left him for a guy living in Texas because after all I was on “mission”. Yeah the same guy who ghosted me.
Other physical relationships were just that. Physical. I never really had expectations with them. Some might say I was sort of a female “player”. One of my friends said politely that I have a way with men. No, I’m just drunk, high and I talk big game because it’s fun. Talked to the wrong one and ended up with an Isaac and a Vince when I should have just done something or someone else.
No, I’m not in love with Rick.
Like I said the last time I actually loved someone, in editing I realized it was two men. Only two. Both long distance, both people I felt compelled to save for a time before I realized I was wrong. Stayed with them until they both left me. he came down to florida from Texas, used me and ghosted. What’s ironic and fucked is I’m in love with my twin flame, I failed to save him and I’m living with a man who is so much like him that sometimes it drives me insane. I love Rick so very much and I love him enough to want to stay with him for the rest of my life.
So my meds are kicking in. I’ll probably edit in the morning. 😴 I’m pretty sure I made no sense.
I don’t feel like I don’t need to save anyone or look for Erik anymore. Now, for a while, I’ve been dealing with other things. Things or triggers that remind me of what I went through. They call it ptsd but they are just little reminders of in all the ways I have failed. It’d debilitating most days. Some days I’m confined to my bed, door closed and Netflix on or hopped up on seroquel and klonopin.