🎵🎙🎶 “Save the last dance for me…”
Erik quoted the song for me a couple nights ago when we were talking about our last life or our last life on earth. I used to think this was my last life period and honestly wish(ed) it was. Since this journey I realize that I want to live one more time. This time we will make our relationship work as we haven’t been able to in our last 3 incarnations together.
I talk to Erik a little throughout the day. Most of our deep conversations are saved at night. He’s the last “person” I talk to every night. However he’s not the first I talk to or think about every morning. I’m human and I have a life to live. I don’t neeeeed to obsess or agonize over Erik all frikken day. He’s dead so there’s like no point. Usually the first thing I think about when I wake up is,
“😪Ughhhhhh…Another fucking day”.
AND…
*stomach growls*
“I’m fucking hungry 😭”.
For me, being tired and hungry is hell. I take seroquel at night so when I wake up, my stomach always hurts and I’m hungry enough to east 3 bowls of cereal. Increased hunger is a side effect. Breakfast is supposed to be the biggest meal anyway. People are literally not the first things I think about when on seroquel. Even if I take seroquel during the day because I need more sleep, 😆 wake up as if I’d been stoned. Hungry. Always fucking hungry.
Next time…
So yeah I told Erik that this time, on our next or last life, I don’t want to look for him again. I failed in this life and literally suffered from it. That phone call to that “world famous psychic” was just nails in Erik’s coffin when he said Erik would die just months before he actually did. I just want to do things right. In our last life I agreed to wait and focus on a career. To do what I should have done.
Who knows I might become a virginal socially inept nerd. I have no problem with that. All I want is to do my life the way I should have in this one. I know that life is never the way you hope to have while you were younger or maybe I’m just that unfortunate.
I had dreams and hopes I never had accomplished.
This is all because since I was 11 I knew I was supposed to find someone. Had known he wasn’t living in Florida but not out of the country. That’s what my intuition told me. On top of that I knew time was running out and it gave me so much anxiety. So much so I learned how to code and build special interest websites and communities. I built them and grew memberships like flowers. With every day I saw more and more traffic and felt I was getting closer. But, I failed.
Every day I wish I could start my life over and do things differently. Even though I’m afraid of the act of dying, I’m not afraid of death because I know he will be there like he always was in my dreams. I have faith and without faith, I have nothing.
