I’m Upset

…No I don’t want tontak about it. I spent a lot of my younger years being the drama queen and having therapists my entire adolescence. So I’m tired. I don’t want to talk to anyone about my feelings but I don’t mind writing.

I’m upset because I realized that Alex (a close from from online I’ve known since I was 15) may have been enfluenced by his wife Tori (a mutual, I’ve sort of introduced them) to stop talking to me. I know I wasn’t as very mature as I am now. But what does that have to do with it? Don’t friends love you unconditionally? Why didn’t he talk to me? Why didn’t he reach out to me?

I reached out to him nearly a year and a half before he died.

What makes me so upset was him and Tori just about poofed. I get we all have grown up and have careers and families and all that bullshit. But again if love is unconditional, why ghost me at all? I loved both of them so very much so when I realized she was pregnant 3 years ago through Facebook I was angry that she never reached out. I don’t remember who I said congrats to but I didn’t get much a response or was ever asked how I was doing. I don’t want or care to know why this happened. It doesn’t serve me any kind of purpose for an explanation. Which is crazy considering 10 years ago Iwould have been an entitled douche-canoe.

Erik is speaking on behalf of Alex.

I know Alex is sorry but I don’t want to talk to ANYONE about it. That means everyone. I don’t see the point in it. So I basically slept all day and watched Ozark and I’m about to go back to sleep. It’s not just Alex I’m upset with but it’s this journey too. I’ve often said how this journey is painful. I want to leave this planet, I’m so done with this shit

Erik remarked on how my walls are back up. I know he loves me no matter what but I feel self conscious about my body. I started to lose weight right before I started this journey. Nearly as soon as I moved to Washington I gained it all back, So I have put my walls up. I know it sounds dumb. That’s the excuse I came up with. I don’t feel like talk to Erik tonight.

😘💕 Good night yall!

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