Painful Things
I don’t believe I have anything to gain by having this blog. The first thing I thought when I had this experience was.
How am I supposed to handle this?
At the time, I had started fresh, on a clean slate about my spiritual beliefs. I had no one to talk to about this experience. My ex and I had been having problems so he was the last person I could talk to. Everyone else had thier stuff going on. There were things on the inside I couldn’t hold in, that needed to be said to anyone willing to listen, who wasn’t going to judge me or belittle me in anyway.
It took 2 months to decide on this blog. This was my outlet. I needed to process my feelings and share my experience as a way of coping with it all. Turns out I’ve helped others dealing with the very same thing. God bless the internet! So I decided to share more of myself to get down on everyone’s level so that more people would feel more comfortable reaching out to me.
I have everything I could ever want!
God takes good care of me. I live so well and I love it because I’ve dealt with a lot of loss, pain, heartbreak and general suffering. Living well is the best revenge. What else could I ask for? No amount of money is going to make me happier. I knew that and wasn’t surprised when a few thousand dollars landed on my lap literally overnight! The initial shock was there but the pain was still there like it is every single day.
Nothing can bring the dead back to life. That’s what would make me happy. Nothing else, – besides helping others of course. Money is just a reason for me to spend and be indulgent. I still work because I like making my own way on my own time and whenever I want to buy an expensive purse.
So the only thing I have to gain is friends.
That’s all I really ask for. I struggled with fitting in. In some way I still do. At the bars I seem charismatic, outgoing, confident, tough, and all that but deep down, I’m still that 20 year old crying in my closet spring of 2009! Right after the psychic told me over the phone the man I was looking for would die. Obviously he didn’t say it outright but he said, “Sorry for your loss, know that there was nothing you could have done”. Often said about those who commit suicide. I’ve heard those words said before growing up. So I knew exactly what he was saying as PC as possible. It crippled me for so long.
I wanted to write a book.
I’ve started and stopped several times and I hate it. I hate writing it. Everything that’s happened to be surrounding my search for Erik is fucked up. I can’t handle reliving it all again just to write a book. It doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe when I’m older or on my deathbed. Even thought maybe my twin brother could help but this is a story that I have to tell. It has to come from me.
All that matters to me is that somehow I’m helping someone who is going through that I am. I’ve made a few friends and one in particular has become like a sister to me. We have a near identical story so we often go to each other for advice and to vent. I wouldn’t mind at all if others ever wanted to reach out to me. It means more to me than going back “home”.
