I’m Worried About Rick

It doesn’t matter what happens to us. Like if we stay together or not. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if Rick dies before me. Because he’s so much like Erik, I’d lose my mind. Legit lose my mind. 🤯 Like something will just switch off and I’m gone level shit. Thinking about it is scary. If this happens suddenly, I can’t prepare and I will surely lose it. If I lose him gradually like with cancer, I could at least do something to prepare. I’d have to move back to Florida, go through the homeless system again just to get approved for a voucher, my mom would be my payee and yatta yatta yatta. 🤦‍♀️

The thought entered my mind thinking about how Alex, a close friend I’ve known online since I was in my mid teens died last year from colon cancer. Rick has IBS or some kind of digestive disorder. He’s at risk for cancer and in spite of me reminding him to get himself checked out, it just slips his mind. I might start getting mad at him if he doesn’t call the health insurance people soon. I got him to be his own disability payee so that now he can get Washington state medicaid at least and I’m sure he’s going to get Medicare too. I have them both. *sigh* Idk what I’m going to do. I’ll talk to him about it again.

At least while I’m still young, losing Rick will destroy me.

Not trying to be dramatic. The reality is I have bipolar, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, I’m on the spectrum and have tourettes. The biggest thing that will be affected is my mental health. I’m going to fucking snap. I’ve dealt with a lot of bullshit. Spending my entire life looking for Erik, even called a psychic to ask about him. He predicted Erik’s death and I remember hiding in my closet rocking back and forth crying for hours. Then when I got the sense it happened, my mental health took a complete dive. 👎

I mean full on screwing around, causing drama, doing drugs and drinking most of the time. I was not an easy person to be around. God, it was awful. It took about 3 or 4 years for me to somewhat calm down. Had a career, paid a mortgage on a condo, I was doing well for a few years.

Now I’m kind if just paralyzed.

I don’t want to go through that again. This time it won’t be good. I just know it. I have to have an honest discussion about this with Rick but I don’t want him to feel bad. I just want him to take initiative. At the very least, he goes to the gym with me and he eats relatively well. He never gains a fucking pound which makes me mad.

I also DO NOT want to talk this over with Erik or Alex. I’m still hurt over Alex’s passing, especially because he never reached out to me. It’s not a subject that I feel comfortable talking about and I don’t want to talk to Alex. Just jamming with him is good enough. If we end up talking I’m going to start crying like a baby. Ugh…What the fuck. How did I even get here? Talking this over with Rick is going to make me break down. I can’t lose him like Tori lost Alex. I’m not as strong.

😘💕…Good night.

This entry was posted in tumblr blog and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.