Cant get married and I’ll never have what I always wanted…

Both Rick and I are disabled. That’s why we collect government checks. We have trouble keeping jobs. But no two people on the SSDI/SSI program can get married. Technically we can but it messes up our government benefits. It’s actually fucked up and sexist because they take away most of the man’s check and give it to the women. What if both absolutely can’t work? There’s more to it but I can’t get into it right now. It seemed like no big deal but after reading, I realized there’s absolutely no chance for us.

Then Rick had this whole speech about how weddings are stupid and he doesn’t like wearing things like rings or anything like that. I bought him a sports watch and he doesn’t even use it. I made him a bracelet and he doesn’t even wear it.

This frustrates me to high heaven!

Why am I even here? What am I doing with a guy like this. I know it sounds trivial but I dreamed of everything. I always wanted to double wedding with my twin brother. He just got married (by the courts) to his partner. So that’s completely out. Now, Rick pretty much trashed my ideas. All of my hopes are down the fucking drain.

It’s bad enough that my tf is dead. Can I get SOMETHING? Maybe the fact that I have this experience with Erik as my tf is the trade off? I don’t fucking know and at this point it’s a giant waste of time mulling over it. 😒 I guess it is a trade off.

I don’t even know if I can have children. All the bfs and sex I’ve been having (I’m 33 this year) and not once has there been an “accident”. Even without birth control. I’m either really vigorous with my safety methods or I’m unable to conceive. It has me a little put off. I’ve also not even had any STDs. Trust me, when you become homeless in SoFla, give you gift cards just for taking all these std tests… Maybe it’s an act of God or just my wonderful “luck”.

Watching another sappy fucking movie got me in a mood.

Cycling through the 12 fucking steps for grief all over again. It’s a nightmare. Sometimes this experience is an emotional nightmare. I can feel Erik’s concern for me, but I don’t want to talk to him. He’s learned my boundaries so he will just leave me alone and ask if it’s okay to talk.

I’m in such a shitty fucking mood.

No more sappy movies for now.

This life is absolutely nowhere close to how I imagined it would be. Not a single shred.

It’s fucked up that I wasted my life up until I was 21 looking for him and life up until 2017 trying to forget him. Now the rest of my life flailing about like a fish out of water.

Good night!

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