12 Steps

It’s so corny the whole process. It feels like some NA bullshit corny hoopla counselors tell you. 👩‍🏫

It’s a process that I have to go through as my therapist put it. I actually can’t wait to see my therapist Monday night. He’s good I just wish it wasn’t awkward when I cry my eyes out.

Stupid periods of self-pity garbage.

Guess it’s safe to say I’m somewhere between anger and acceptance? Ugh so corny.

I have to be honest that I kind of picked up drinking again because I just don’t want to feel or deal with my feelings. It’s just everything in my life is so fucked up. Everything. I have no way out either.

I can’t fucking live anymore and I don’t want to kill myself either.

Shit my therapist says it’s a good thing. WHAT?!…. Uh, no it’s not. Its because I don’t really know which way you’re going to swing and no matter what it’s not pretty. There could be, although unlikely… Just enough bullshit to just have me flat out catatonic… And I’m just a stones throw away from it.

I feel bad also because Erik really wants me to feel better and he’s truly worried. I really just can’t right now and all day here at work feeling nauseated and trying not to cry; appear normal.

The best we can do is regress back to our most relevant past life to remember being with him. The challenge is my doubts about it. Erik continues to tell me to follow my heart. My whole life that IS what I did only to be trampled over so it’s hard.

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧Don’t forget to take a look at Erik’s blog ran by his amazing mom Dr Elisa Medhus. Lots of stuff about his afterlife and shit.(◕‿◕)♡

… And YouTube

It’s great the program for housing has this neat 12 step class every Friday. I’ve been going for a month and even though I’m not an addict per se, –smoking weed in my book doesn’t count!!! I go because I’m afraid that I will snap come September and October. When really reeeeeeeally bad shit happens like losing a job, bad breakup (10 years ago), and…. death. I do stupid shit like binge drinking, sleep/cry all day, eat junk, gain weight, and of course mope around for months in a fucky funk funk.

I have a friend in Jeff who lost his “spouse” as well and we really support each other. I’ve learned to accept hugs and touch my feet (just rubbed them) and that was hard. But I know his girl wanted me to let him squeeze me to death. Ew…Then there is this flamboyant (but straight) guy named Lance that makes me laugh. The people in charge at work are hilarious too.

Looks like as waves of new people come…

…The shelter sucks in new meat like a homeless bum too! So I’ve got myself another following of cool dudes though. Intelligent ones so I can’t complain this time. I’ve gotten into fights with a few women so fuck it. If I have to, I’ll be a “Guys Lady” and put up with the rumors that I must be fucking them all.

I’m not there to make friends. They can think and talk all they want. My day is work, dinner with my friends and go to bed! I don’t have time for bullshit women with 5 kids, baby daddy’s (more than one), criminals and addicts. I’m clean. I came in clean, I’ll leave clean. Meanwhile, some just aren’t productive. Yeah I kind of was too but at some point they have to get tired of being there. I miss money lol. It feels great moving up!

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(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧Don’t forget to take a look at Erik’s blog ran by his amazing mom Dr Elisa Medhus. Lots of stuff about his afterlife and 💩 at channelingerik.com.

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