Love Fucked Up My Life

First off, awesome loving mother didn’t really show what love was: How to love someone, show how someone should love me, didn’t even say she loved me until her second colon cancer ordeal. I literally had no fucking clue.

My father of course, exnay and probably dead. Maybe I should contact him. Nah.

Then of course I let it ruin my life with the subconscious search for Erik since the year before he died. No, two years before. I dated but never anything serious. It’s the missed opportunities I had to get ahead in life that eats at me. I could have had a career by now or on tour with a band or something.

Looking at my life, it was always about love and who would love me. People always treated me like shit. What I looked forward to were side remarks made by an asshole, my so called friends avoiding me, teachers ignored me, people thought I was an easy target. On good day when I’m goofy or retarded I always thought I was cool to be around until “Oh look here comes the crazy girl, run!” as for childhood and school friends? I don’t exist to them. They literally migrated to my older brother and would never hear from again. Even now.

Anyway… The persuit of happiness only made me unhappy. It’s all I know. It part of my past and present. Erik is dead. I fucked up my life. It will always be this way to struggle in every single area of my life probably up until my time is up. That’s all I look forward to. I’m just existing and waiting to die.

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