My Death

He predicted a couple of times I’d eventually kill myself. Said he saw my lips were blue and saw me choking so I guess I’ll hang myself…

Well I’m not scared or worried if it really is part of the “plan”. I asked him what year. He didn’t want to tell me.

Basically it will be my rage. Yeah I have anger problems. I tend to keep it inside and he doesn’t want me to bottle it up. He asked me to play “I’ll stand by you” and said it was meant for me. “Even when you’re wrong”… *sigh*

I’ve pretty much accepted that it won’t be possible to be happy. I’m not the most upbeat, it’s all just a rouse. I do feel stuck in a cycle and it would never end. Eventually I will decide again to stop my medications again (for the millionth time) and when I get into that survival mode, there goes everything out the window. The pain, anger, hurt, frustration, depression will kill me. If it’s meant to be then God would let me go. I’m okay with that.

I stand corrected. He said I would drug myself. It “packed a punch”. Hmmmm… That sounds more like me.

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